Advice About Giving Advice

A recent conversation with a friend illuminated in my mind an important communication tool to use when someone seeks your advice. I had asked my friend about a decision I needed to make. His response was, “I was hoping you would ask me about this, but I didn’t want to interfere. Are you sure you really want my answer? Because if you do, I’m happy to give it. But if you’re just looking to affirm a decision you’ve already made, you’re asking the wrong guy.”

Most of us have been in my friend’s situation. Most of us, though, don’t always have such a wise answer. I have broken his response into five different tactics. Each one is important if you want to be effective at giving advice.

1. Wait until you are asked. No matter how qualified you may be to help someone, you will not be well received if they’re not ready for your counsel.
2. If you aren’t qualified to give the advice, say so. At that point, you can empathize and commiserate, but not advise. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed, anyway.
3. Determine whether the person asking really wants your affirmation, rather than your advice. If you are unsure, do what my friend did and ask.
4. If you discover that they really do want your advice, give it clearly, honestly, and kindly. Kindness is key. When someone opens up enough to ask your advice, he is likely feeling quite vulnerable and is trusting you with his feelings. Try hard not to step on them.
5. There’s one more: don’t be offended if the person doesn’t take your advice. It’s difficult not to get attached to our own view of things, but it’s important to disengage once you have offered your opinion. Free will must rein.

As we progress through life and build a database of experience, people will need and ask for our help. It is a privilege to be asked to share our thoughts. In doing so, I hope these five steps will be useful to you.

Finally, the irony of my offering you unsolicited advice, as I regularly do in these posts, is not lost on me. I hope you get as big a chuckle out of it as I did when I realized what I was doing.