Psychotherapist and psychologist Albert Ellis developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in the 1950s. According to Wikipedia, the method “focuses on resolving emotion and behavioral problems and disturbances and enabling people to lead happier and more fulfilling lives.” Always blunt, Dr. Ellis was known to declare that “should-hood leads to sh**-hood.” If you’ve been in business for more than a week, you have probably fallen victim to shoulding, whether on yourself or someone else. In this post, we’ll talk about shoulding on others.
- “He should have gotten that spreadsheet to me last week. This project is going to fail if he doesn’t get it done.”
- “She should have returned my call by now. What the heck is wrong with her?”
- “They should have paid me by now. That invoice went out two months ago. No! Not another deadbeat client!”
When you say things like this, you do three useless things: 1) you sit in judgment of another’s activities without knowing their side of the issue 2) you give up control over the situation, and 3) you carry some level of grudge.
Instead of deciding what someone should or shouldn’t have said or done, it’s much more useful to ask questions, respond, and act.
In Should #1 above: Contact the should-ee and find out what’s happening. Tell him the dire consequences of not meeting the deadline. Ask if he will get it to you by a specific time and date. If you don’t trust him, either give the job to someone else or have a backup plan in case he doesn’t get it done.
In Should #2: If someone hasn’t returned your call, pick up the phone and call again. Tell them this is your second message. Send an email with the same information. If your issue is important enough, or if they’re in your building, go see them. Stop waiting. Start doing.
In Should #3: Get on the phone. Remind them about the bill. Find out the status. Offer to come and pick up the check. There are plenty of other options for this one, but the key is to initiate the process.
The common thread in all this should-ing is acquiescence, and it’s a poor way to communicate. Falling down the should-hole is both unpleasant and unnecessary. It is far better to take control of your business, your relationships, and your communication by leaving should behind.
