Listen Up

All of us know how important it is to listen to others. Everyone is aware that listening to others is a crucial part of developing relationships and a driver of success. Yet most of us are dismal at it. We pay half-hearted attention on our best days and none at all on the rest. 

The reasons for our half-heartedness are clear: we are doing more with less, we’re distracted by technology, and we have convinced ourselves that we can multi-task. We have devalued the skill of listening. I say we bring it back, and soon. Here’s why whole-hearted, full-on listening matters:

Listening is a demonstration that you value someone. It’s a gift to that person. By stopping what you are doing and listening intently and intentionally to someone, you acknowledge their presence and their value. You reinforce the bonds of your relationship. 

Listening is intimate. Looking at someone’s face as they are speaking to you, studying their expressions and body language, and hearing the tone and melody of their voice, all paint a fairly complete picture of a person. You can learn so much in that one moment. 

Listening improves your self-discipline. It is so much easier to speak, to opine, to pontificate than it is to hold your thoughts inside your head. Listening requires that you use your ears and mouth proportionally and, again, intentionally. It increases your inner strength. It may even allow your mind to open, because your mouth is closed.

Listening makes you look smart. Mark Twain said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” So true.

Listening enriches the spirit of the speaker and the listener. The speaker feels your recognition, your attention, and your full presence. When you are aware of the gift you give by listening, you feel better about you. You know you’ve done something good. You have existed fully in a relationship with another human being, often in just a few minutes.

A few minutes of whole-hearted listening seems like a pretty simple route to stronger human relationships. 

The Upside of Self-Centeredness

After watching a particularly dark and violent movie a few months ago, I had a revelation: “This doesn’t make me better.” It doesn’t make me a better advisor, a better wife, a better friend. That little revelation changed how I make decisions. It shifted my perspective. The question I ask myself now is “How does ____________ make me better?”

This question focuses your thoughts on you. It makes you look at yourself and answer a difficult question. For example, “How does it make me better to...:

... avoid having a difficult conversation with my team member?

... continue to accept unclear direction from my supervisor?

... participate on a work team that has no clear understanding of its purpose?

… choose not to recognize the achievements — or suffering of a colleague?

... accept clients who do not add value to my work?

… gossip about my co-worker?

...  show up late to meetings because I allow myself to be over-scheduled?

... wait for someone else to take the initiative?

Clients often ask me how they can change their culture when the leadership either supports bad habits or doesn’t support good ones. Doing this exercise in self-centeredness is a start. Cultures are changed one person and one behavior at a time. When you choose to make yourself better, you make your culture better.