Corral Your Conflict

All reasonable people agree that avoiding the muck in communication is best. However, when we find ourselves smack-dab in the muck, what do we do? What do we do when: 

• A co-worker sends you an email that sends you over the edge?
• Your manager makes a snarky remark about your work habits in a team meeting?
• A co-worker blows up at you for no apparent reason? 

There are any number of ways to handle these situations. Before I get to those, here are a couple of very important things NOT to do:

1. Don’t react when you are emotional. Think, then respond.
2. Don’t share the incident by telling your co-workers all about it. When you do that, you involve people who can’t solve your problem, you contribute to the gossip machine, and you burden others.
3. Don’t invest more energy in a particular conflict than it’s worth. Realize the difference between issues you need to address and those you can let go. Pick your battles, because conflict is a major energy drain. 

To corral your conflict, employ the flip side of the three points above:

1. Have the self discipline to handle the situation like an adult. Keep the conflict where it belongs: between you and That Certain Someone.
2. Take as long as you need to reach emotional balance, but deal with the issue as soon as you achieve that balance - if it truly warrants your attention.
3. Leave some room in your head and heart for understanding. Maybe the people in the scenarios described above were having an off day. If their behavior is out of the norm for them, you can choose to ignore it. If the transgression has become a pattern or was extreme in nature, then you must be brave and handle it. But it’s critical to be aware of the difference. 

While my bias is that most things need to be talked out, this isn’t true all the time. Over the years, I’ve learned that the sting of a negative encounter fades rather quickly when I allow it to. Giving that encounter more energy than it deserves takes away from the other terrific things happening around me, and that’s just a waste.

Perhaps the most important behavior in containing conflict is internal strength. Keeping anger, frustration, embarrassment and other negative emotions to yourself requires great strength. So does showing courage, compassion, and clarity when you find yourself stuck in the muck. 

All of this is simple, but not one bit of it is easy. This is when I realize how hard it is to be human.

Game-Changing Words

About a year ago, one of my friends was knee-deep in a very difficult client relationship. She had worked with this client for many years, during which time he had always been relatively unapproachable and untrusting. Sometimes he was rude and disrespectful. Always quick to find fault, he never showed his appreciation for her counsel, support, or expertise. Sound familiar?

The relationship had reached a low point, and my friend knew she did not want to continue working with this client under the current circumstances. So she decided to sit down and talk with him. She told him what she thought about their relationship and how it felt to work with him. As you can imagine, she put a lot of thought into how she would address the issue.

In spite of her effort, she wasn’t breaking through to her client, and she knew it. Finally, after an hour of this, she was exhausted, and simply said: “I just want you to know that I care about you. I care about your family. I care about your business.” That’s when the game changed. From that moment forward, the client became much more open, trusting, and positive. My friend and her client are on firm footing today, and their enhanced relationship is driving the business to new heights.

I’ve been wondering why the words “I care about you…” are so powerful. After all, every website, every ad, every brochure seems to tout how much “we care about our clients.” What’s different? The pronouns. “I care about you” speaks directly to the heart and mind of a single person. There is no mistaking the intent of this statement. 

“We care about our clients” is more abstract and distant; it’s really nothing more than a policy statement. Real relationships are built one person at a time, one conversation at a time. Therefore, it makes sense to move your language from the collective we to the singular I. Of course, delivering the message face-to-face is most effective.

Is it risky? Does it make you vulnerable to say something so personal? Do you risk your gruff old client scoffing at your statement? Maybe. But if it is the truth, say it. Your clients (and employees, by the way) need to hear directly from you how you feel about them. They need to know that you, individually, give a hoot about them and their well-being. When it’s your personal truth and not just a policy, nothing else comes close.

Avoiding the Muck

Consider these scenarios:

A. You’re deep in conversation about an important matter with a colleague when someone higher on the org chart than you are steps in and begins discussing something else entirely. You are annoyed at the intrusion but enjoy your paycheck. What do you do?

B. You’re up to your neck in deadlines when your very best employee sticks her head around the corner of your cubicle and says, “Got a minute?” You don’t. What do you do?

C. Your projects are piling up, but your bosses love you so much they want to put you on the company’s Fun Committee. You would rather stick pins in your eye. What do you do?

These are three examples of how you can easily step into professional muck. All of them are tests of your boundaries and the communication skills you have to navigate your way around the muck. 

Here are four rules of thumb for situations when your boundaries are tested and, occasionally, crossed:

1. Think bigger than the moment. Remember that when people cross your boundaries, they usually do so out of ignorance. Often, they really aren’t thinking about you; they are focused on their own immediate needs. Also remember that some of these people can affect your success at the company, so think long-term when you approach the muck.
2. Be honest (but remember #1). Many people are afraid to do this. They allow constant interruptions to the discipline of their day, they don’t tell others what they need, and, consequently, they feel victimized by intrusions on their time. This is a major cause of unhappiness at work.
3. Clarify and schedule. Determine what, precisely, the other party wants from you. Be sure you both understand it. Decide whether now is the best time to respond to their needs. If you can’t do it in that moment, determine when you can, and let them know when they will be at the top of your to-do list.
4. Respond to uncivilized behavior with civility. Only a tiny minority of people are truly impossible to get along with. Most are trying to get through their day, meet their obligations, and do a decent job — just like you. They simply may not remember the good manners their mother taught them. But you can.

Now, using these four rules of thumb, here are possible responses to the boundary pushers exemplified above. 

A. In response to the higher-up in our first example, you can stop  your conversation with your colleague, but only long enough to look the interrupter in the eye, smile, and say, “Bill and I are just about to wrap up our conversation on this project. Would it be ok if I came by your office in ten minutes?” Phrasing it as though you are asking permission softens the blow that you’re not responding to the interrupter’s needs instantly. It also conveys respect. Giving a time frame like ten minutes lets your higher-up know exactly when his needs will be attended to.

B. Your employee who needs you is important to your success and your company’s, because she’s “your very best employee.” Think carefully about your response, given your deadlines. First, stop what you’re doing. Second, look at her: she needs your acknowledgement. Third, in a calm voice, say, “I’m bumping up against several deadlines. I can spare five minutes for you, though. Will that be enough time to help you?” Then listen to her answer. If you can solve the problem in five, great. Do it. But hold  yourself and your employee to five minutes. At the end of that time, close the discussion. If it’s going to take longer, agree to a day and time when you can both meet.

C. Ah, the Fun Committee. Mandatory fun really isn’t, but plenty of companies haven’t yet gotten the word about that. However, if you think being on the committee would give you some exposure to others in your company who you normally don’t get to work with and might enjoy, then by all means sign up. But if there isn’t a really good reason to  join, you’re well within your boundaries to say no. Try this: “That’s a good committee, but it’s not a great fit for me. I would be unlikely to contribute much of value. But I’m really excited about some ideas I have to keep employee turnover low. How about if I serve on the Recruiting Committee?”

In the process of avoiding muck and setting your boundaries, do your best to be gracious. It’s important from the standpoint of civility. It also matters because someday, without a doubt, you will need the grace of others. 

Three Must-Ask Questions for Prospective Leaders

Think of the last person you hired to fill a mid-level or senior position. When you interviewed them, surely their resumes were carefully studied, their technical abilities, scholarly achievements and, perhaps, books of business were discussed. But what did you learn about them as leaders? Very likely nothing. Overlooking this critical component of managerial and leadership-level positions leads to lost productivity and plenty of employee problems down the road.

At a certain level, technical skills and academic or licensing achievements are table stakes, so don’t waste too much time reviewing them, or listening to the prospect crow about them. What you really want to know is how a person will lead, how they will build relationships with others, how they will guide, persuade, communicate, decide, and execute. 

While typical interviews are almost unimaginably inauthentic, you can at least try to uncover aspects of a prospect’s leadership style as part of the process. You can do it by asking the following three questions:

1. How do you describe your leadership style?
2. How do you handle conflict?
3. What would you do in the following scenario? (Then present the prospect with a real-life case study from your own experience. Listen carefully to how the prospect puzzles through a solution.)

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. The idea is to engage the prospect in conversation about behavioral issues such as leadership and conflict to determine whether they fit with your organization’s culture. If you assess that the answers are not a fit with your culture on Interview Day, it’s a darn good bet the prospect will not be a good fit with your company on any other day.

Lay That Skunk on the Table

Miscommunication is the source of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding is often the source of conflict. Seems to me we can reduce conflict by improving communication. 

As one of my southern New Mexico clients says, you have to lay the skunk on the table. When you are dealing with conflict, you have to examine the hard question (the skunk). You have to know and discuss in very precise terms the root of the issue. When I am asked by clients to neutralize conflict, I often find that people don’t even know exactly what they’re fighting about. It is nearly always a misunderstanding of a behavior, event or conversation that is interpreted differently by the parties involved.

I used to work for a man who, as the managing partner, was frequently faced with the necessity of difficult conversations. He would relay to me that he had a difficult-yet-productive conversation with a particular person and would almost invariably say, “I think he knows where he stands now. He’s going to do better. Just wait and see.” Not long thereafter, the other person in the conversation would come to see me. He would tell me what a delightful talk he just had with the managing partner, and how great it was to visit with him, with no recollection of any difficult issues. 

When it comes to difficult conversations, I think we sound much tougher in our own heads than we do to the people to whom we are speaking. We think we’re being very clear in voicing our expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. We assume we’re getting through because the other person is nodding his head as we speak. That’s just not correct. 

We’re not getting through because there’s a skunk in the room and we’re avoiding it. That skunk might be poor performance. It might be mediocre management. It could be lousy leadership. Whatever it is, we’re letting that skunk just wander around the room while we both pretend it isn’t there.

When I ask colleagues why this happens, they tell me they just don’t want to deal with conflict, and they believe laying the skunk on the table will lead to exactly that. As a lawyer friend of mine so aptly put it, “Oh, Melinda. Conflict. It’s just so unpleasant.”

True enough, I suppose. But aren’t the ongoing misunderstandings and related ill will, gossip, and reduced productivity ultimately far more unpleasant?

If you decide to lay the skunk on the table, remember to do three things:

1. Make the problem the problem. Deal with specific issues clearly. Favor respectful-but-direct communication over anyone’s temporary discomfort, especially your own.
2. Summon your courage. Take a deep breath before you begin. In advance, think about the words you want to use. 
3. Make the encounter a conversation, not a lecture or attack. Communication is two-way. Say what is on your mind. Be specific, clear, and open. Then, encourage the other person’s participation. Ask her, “What is your view of this issue? How do you see it?”. Discuss. Push through. 

If you truly want to work through a problem, don’t play a part in the communication charade, as so many people do. Stop watching the skunk run all over the room. Catch it and lay it on the table. Only in doing so will you begin to remove the odor from the room. 

How to Get What You Need From Employees

Clients regularly ask me why they can’t get employees to meet deadlines, produce great (or even good) work, and provide value to customers. There is rarely a simple answer, but I can come close to one: lack of clarity when giving instructions and expressing expectations. Here are a few tips to help you get what you need:

Ban ASAP. Give clear time frames for everything. When, specifically, do you need work completed and on your desk? What day? What time? Asking anyone to do anything “as soon as possible” obliterates clarity. If something is truly an emergency, say so and explain why. Only by explaining the circumstances do you have a right to blow up someone else’s schedule.

Forget annual reviews. Move to real-time analysis. Review performance with your team member immediately after she’s done something you can evaluate. Be clear about what the team member did well and where she needs to improve. Stop worrying about delivering harsh news. Deliver clear information instead. Your team member might feel the sting, but smart, ambitious employees will take your information to heart and apply it to their next effort.

When someone messes up, deal with it promptly.  You don’t have the luxury of being emotional about whatever occurred, so be sure you are calm and collected. Remember, though, that in dealing with behavioral problems, sooner is better than later. Tell the team member how you perceive the problem, what he needs to do to fix the problem, and by when. Tell him the consequences if he doesn’t fix the problem. Be specific about the seriousness of the error. Is this a firing offense? Will it slow the team member’s career progress? Will he find himself isolated if he continues doing things the same way? 

Clear communication requires disciplined thought and skillful execution. It requires you to understand why you are communicating something in the first place and how best to do it. And it very often requires courage. All of this is difficult, but it sure beats the alternative.

Six Minutes on Motivation

One of the best things about my work is that I get to associate with really smart people, which is precisely what I did at the Verasage Institute's conference on pricing for professionals in Las Vegas. 

The last morning of the conference, Verasage guru Ron Baker invited/challenged me to do a six-minute talk on the topic of my choice. I turned him down at first, and had plenty of excuses. "I'm not prepared." "I'm dressed for traveling, not speaking."  "I'm not tall enough." Yes, I actually thought that. What it came down to, of course, was the fear of looking ridiculous.

Finally, though, my desire to be heard overcame my fear. Here is the result: six minutes on the true nature of motivation. I hope you enjoy it and find it useful.  

The next time somebody offers you an opportunity, maybe you'll remember this video and be motivated to scare yourself just a little.