Don’t Be a Weenie

The holidays usually provide opportunities for communications weirdness, and this year was no exception. I had an experience this season that was very instructive, both personally and professionally. The details of the conversation are unimportant; suffice it to say it was difficult. It involved my need to communicate expectations and emotions in a way that had some chance of being heard by others (i.e., not yelling, babbling, or crying).

The most important realization on my part was that, when it comes to communication, I – like most of us – can be a complete weenie. I don’t want to upset the apple cart; I don’t want anyone to be angry at me; I just want everyone to make nice. So I usually let things slide, and in doing that, I swallow gallons of resentment and, in my imagination, chew on nails of blistering verbal retribution. As it turns out, though, you can teach an old broad new tricks. Just this once, I was not a weenie. I said what needed saying, and I said it clearly, with the right tone, in the right place, to the right people. I hope what I have learned from this experience will help you. Here are the highlights:

1. Difficult conversations require courage. You have to make up your mind to express yourself usefully. You have to initiate communication, because those on the other side will most likely not invite your thoughts. This means you have to stop being a weenie. You have to let go of worrying about what people will think of you if you speak up. As one of my wise, non-weenie friends, often says: “What other people think of me is none of my business.”. Non-weenies aren’t jerks; they’re people who know how to express themselves clearly, and who have the courage to deal with difficult issues.
2. When you do speak up, address only the people you need to address. Do it privately. Don’t gripe to others about how you have been victimized, irritated, or otherwise wronged. That’s the ultimate weenie behavior.
3. Burn up the negative energy you’re feeling before you speak. Take a brisk walk (mine, I can tell you, was a record-setter); do some pushups; meditate. Whatever you do to get centered and clear your head, do it and then have your conversation.
4. Understand that speaking up doesn’t give you the right to be hurtful. It’s your right to declare yourself, but it isn’t your right to hurl invective. Words can be tools or weapons; it’s your choice. Have the mental and emotional discipline to choose wisely.
5. Once you’ve said what you had to say, you can either allow room for debate or you can end the communication. That depends on your goal. If you want to hear what the other side has to say, wait. Want an apology or explanation? Ask for it. If you don’t, say so. Close the conversation. Shake hands, hug, smile, do whatever is appropriate for the situation.
6. Then – and this is the most important part – let go. Let go of the hurt, the insult, whatever it was that caused the immediate problem. Start again with those who made the mistake. I guess this is some form of forgiveness, though not that dramatic. It is at least a way of wiping the slate clean in hopes of everyone getting it right the next time.

Here’s what I found: in refusing to be a weenie, I was liberated from cherishing any grudges or cradling any hurt. Being a non-weenie opened a place in my mind and heart where I could feel good, and not just for being courageous: I also created space to feel good about my relationship with the people I had to talk to. After all, they agreed to hear what I had to say. That couldn’t have been easy.

Just imagine how much less drama would be created in the home and workplace if we initiated difficult conversations and saw them through to a reasonable conclusion -- if we chose not to be weenies. That strikes me as a pretty good goal for the new year.