Listen Up

All of us know how important it is to listen to others. Everyone is aware that listening to others is a crucial part of developing relationships and a driver of success. Yet most of us are dismal at it. We pay half-hearted attention on our best days and none at all on the rest. 

The reasons for our half-heartedness are clear: we are doing more with less, we’re distracted by technology, and we have convinced ourselves that we can multi-task. We have devalued the skill of listening. I say we bring it back, and soon. Here’s why whole-hearted, full-on listening matters:

Listening is a demonstration that you value someone. It’s a gift to that person. By stopping what you are doing and listening intently and intentionally to someone, you acknowledge their presence and their value. You reinforce the bonds of your relationship. 

Listening is intimate. Looking at someone’s face as they are speaking to you, studying their expressions and body language, and hearing the tone and melody of their voice, all paint a fairly complete picture of a person. You can learn so much in that one moment. 

Listening improves your self-discipline. It is so much easier to speak, to opine, to pontificate than it is to hold your thoughts inside your head. Listening requires that you use your ears and mouth proportionally and, again, intentionally. It increases your inner strength. It may even allow your mind to open, because your mouth is closed.

Listening makes you look smart. Mark Twain said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” So true.

Listening enriches the spirit of the speaker and the listener. The speaker feels your recognition, your attention, and your full presence. When you are aware of the gift you give by listening, you feel better about you. You know you’ve done something good. You have existed fully in a relationship with another human being, often in just a few minutes.

A few minutes of whole-hearted listening seems like a pretty simple route to stronger human relationships. 

The Upside of Self-Centeredness

After watching a particularly dark and violent movie a few months ago, I had a revelation: “This doesn’t make me better.” It doesn’t make me a better advisor, a better wife, a better friend. That little revelation changed how I make decisions. It shifted my perspective. The question I ask myself now is “How does ____________ make me better?”

This question focuses your thoughts on you. It makes you look at yourself and answer a difficult question. For example, “How does it make me better to...:

... avoid having a difficult conversation with my team member?

... continue to accept unclear direction from my supervisor?

... participate on a work team that has no clear understanding of its purpose?

… choose not to recognize the achievements — or suffering of a colleague?

... accept clients who do not add value to my work?

… gossip about my co-worker?

...  show up late to meetings because I allow myself to be over-scheduled?

... wait for someone else to take the initiative?

Clients often ask me how they can change their culture when the leadership either supports bad habits or doesn’t support good ones. Doing this exercise in self-centeredness is a start. Cultures are changed one person and one behavior at a time. When you choose to make yourself better, you make your culture better.

Why ASAP Must Die

ASAP. This hideous little acronym, short for “as soon as possible,” has done more than its fair share to cloud communication.

It’s a topic in all of my communication presentations. People in my audiences nod in agreement when I address how ASAP has lost all meaning, if it ever had any. They look down sheepishly when I ask who has used it. They giggle uncomfortably when I ask who has allowed ASAP to be used on them. And then we talk a little more about it, and they begin to understand why it’s such an obstacle to clear communication:

1. It lacks specificity. If you need something from someone else, the reasonable approach is to tell them precisely when you need it. “Sally, can you get this to me by Tuesday at 3:30?” Then let Sally answer the question.
2. It excludes all others from the conversation. As soon as possible for whom? For you? For the recipient of your request? What about all those other people who have asked for something ASAP? There are limitless possibilities for confusion without specifics.
3. It’s a power play, usually used by a senior on a junior team member. It falsely demonstrates that one person’s time is more valuable than another’s. In these days of flatter organizations and speedier communications, that’s just not accurate. Everybody’s role is critical in making an organization run smoothly.
4. It builds resentment in your recipients, who may not feel free to ask you to clarify precisely when you want something – although they would be wise to do so. Resentment leads to a sense of victimization, which leads to complaining, which leads to disgruntled employees, which leads to turnover and lost productivity.
5. It removes power from your real emergencies. If you use ASAP constantly, when you truly do need something immediately, the person you are asking to respond ASAP likely won’t believe you.

Here’s the most interesting part: even after plenty of conversation about banning ASAP, I return to clients’ offices later, only to hear it used repeatedly and without question. It’s automatic. 

They say it takes 21 days to break an old habit and replace it with a new one. Today would be a great day to start adding dates and times to every request you make. 

Free Yourself

Hello -

It’s only the beginning of 2013, and I’ll bet for some of you it’s already starting to look eerilly similar to 2012. Same dull, unproductive meetings. Same non-emergency emergencies. Same stuff, different day. If this is how you’re seeing things, your work life probably looks pretty dreadful to you.

Well, guess what? You can change it. In the blink of an eye. With a simple decision to see things differently. And then, of course, to act on that decision.

• Learn to say no. If you’re calendar and life are insane, that’s your responsibility. For example, are you on a committee that fills you with dread at the mere thought of it? Resign. Don’t try to persevere through it. Resign. You won’t win any contests for angelic behavior by staying in a situation where you aren’t your best. Chances are that, at this point, there’s somebody who can bring more energy and enthusiasm than you, so get off, open up your schedule, and give someone else an opportunity.  
• Ask more questions. Don’t just take orders. For example, when somebody asks you to do something ASAP, ask for a specific time and date deadline. You will be amazed at how much confusion and misspent energy can be avoided by using this simple tactic.
• Initiate. Don’t wait. Sitting behind your computer hoping for something to change is folly. So make up your mind to do something constructive. Be the first to help when it comes to improving a situation or a relationship. Take the risk of trying to make things better. And for heaven’s sake, decide to work on your own behavior before you even think about how someone else is behaving. 

Our working lives — and maybe our lives as a whole — improve when we free ourselves by changing our minds. When you choose simply to maintain the status quo, no matter how unproductive or unpleasant, you are choosing to imprison yourself. By shifting perspective and acting on that shift, you unlock your own door.

Herding Virtual Cats

Face-to-face leadership is complex enough. Leading team members you don't see regularly, such as virtual workers or those in distant offices, bumps the complexity up a notch or two.

  

Our newest knowledge workers are pushing for the flexibility to fit work into their lives, rather than fitting their lives into their work. This cultural shift is changing the way we do business. 

Firms that adapt their mindset, communications and infrastructure accordingly will find greater success than those who cling to the old ways of management and leadership.

 

My colleague and friend, Michelle Golden, is the founder of Golden Practices and a highly regarded consultant to the professions. She and I published an article about virtual leadership in the November issue of Practice Management Forum.

Our article addresses the following questions:

• How do you create and sustain relationships with employees who are spread across the city, state, or country? 
• How do you measure their productivity and effectiveness?
• How do you ensure your firm’s strong culture becomes part of every individual employee, regardless of location?

You can learn the answers to these questions in the full article here.

Corral Your Conflict

All reasonable people agree that avoiding the muck in communication is best. However, when we find ourselves smack-dab in the muck, what do we do? What do we do when: 

• A co-worker sends you an email that sends you over the edge?
• Your manager makes a snarky remark about your work habits in a team meeting?
• A co-worker blows up at you for no apparent reason? 

There are any number of ways to handle these situations. Before I get to those, here are a couple of very important things NOT to do:

1. Don’t react when you are emotional. Think, then respond.
2. Don’t share the incident by telling your co-workers all about it. When you do that, you involve people who can’t solve your problem, you contribute to the gossip machine, and you burden others.
3. Don’t invest more energy in a particular conflict than it’s worth. Realize the difference between issues you need to address and those you can let go. Pick your battles, because conflict is a major energy drain. 

To corral your conflict, employ the flip side of the three points above:

1. Have the self discipline to handle the situation like an adult. Keep the conflict where it belongs: between you and That Certain Someone.
2. Take as long as you need to reach emotional balance, but deal with the issue as soon as you achieve that balance - if it truly warrants your attention.
3. Leave some room in your head and heart for understanding. Maybe the people in the scenarios described above were having an off day. If their behavior is out of the norm for them, you can choose to ignore it. If the transgression has become a pattern or was extreme in nature, then you must be brave and handle it. But it’s critical to be aware of the difference. 

While my bias is that most things need to be talked out, this isn’t true all the time. Over the years, I’ve learned that the sting of a negative encounter fades rather quickly when I allow it to. Giving that encounter more energy than it deserves takes away from the other terrific things happening around me, and that’s just a waste.

Perhaps the most important behavior in containing conflict is internal strength. Keeping anger, frustration, embarrassment and other negative emotions to yourself requires great strength. So does showing courage, compassion, and clarity when you find yourself stuck in the muck. 

All of this is simple, but not one bit of it is easy. This is when I realize how hard it is to be human.

Game-Changing Words

About a year ago, one of my friends was knee-deep in a very difficult client relationship. She had worked with this client for many years, during which time he had always been relatively unapproachable and untrusting. Sometimes he was rude and disrespectful. Always quick to find fault, he never showed his appreciation for her counsel, support, or expertise. Sound familiar?

The relationship had reached a low point, and my friend knew she did not want to continue working with this client under the current circumstances. So she decided to sit down and talk with him. She told him what she thought about their relationship and how it felt to work with him. As you can imagine, she put a lot of thought into how she would address the issue.

In spite of her effort, she wasn’t breaking through to her client, and she knew it. Finally, after an hour of this, she was exhausted, and simply said: “I just want you to know that I care about you. I care about your family. I care about your business.” That’s when the game changed. From that moment forward, the client became much more open, trusting, and positive. My friend and her client are on firm footing today, and their enhanced relationship is driving the business to new heights.

I’ve been wondering why the words “I care about you…” are so powerful. After all, every website, every ad, every brochure seems to tout how much “we care about our clients.” What’s different? The pronouns. “I care about you” speaks directly to the heart and mind of a single person. There is no mistaking the intent of this statement. 

“We care about our clients” is more abstract and distant; it’s really nothing more than a policy statement. Real relationships are built one person at a time, one conversation at a time. Therefore, it makes sense to move your language from the collective we to the singular I. Of course, delivering the message face-to-face is most effective.

Is it risky? Does it make you vulnerable to say something so personal? Do you risk your gruff old client scoffing at your statement? Maybe. But if it is the truth, say it. Your clients (and employees, by the way) need to hear directly from you how you feel about them. They need to know that you, individually, give a hoot about them and their well-being. When it’s your personal truth and not just a policy, nothing else comes close.