How to Escape a Mental Grist Mill

High achievers  tend to be very self-critical. The ability to analyze your own performance and re-tool as needed for better outcomes is valuable, of course. Yet there is a point of diminishing returns when you are simply putting yourself into a mental grist mill of self-criticism. That isn’t the best use of your energy. Here are a few ways to redirect your thoughts.

1. Realize that whatever the issue is, it is very likely more negative in your own mind than in anyone else’s. The rest of the world spends far less time thinking about your performance than you do — probably because they’re thinking about their own.
2. Spend less time thinking about what you didn’t do well and more time thinking about what you did masterfully. It is useful to look at things objectively, including less-than-stellar outcomes, but beyond a certain point of self-critique it makes more sense to think about what you have done well and figure out how to replicate that success.
3. Understand that time is your friend. With time, you can gather data or simply let events unfold. Maybe you will hear other points of view about your work that are less critical and more balanced than yours. Maybe, with a little more time, your project will gel and be terrific. Be ambivalent about the future when it comes to judging yourself. You simply don’t know what is going to happen.

The most important advice I have for getting out of a mental grist mill is to listen to others. When your boss, colleague, employee, or client gives you a pat on the back, embrace it. Turn off your self-criticism for a few seconds. Learn from that moment. Remember what steps got you to this successful point. Enjoy the process and repeat it whenever you have the opportunity. 

Bliss Suckers

The title words were used by a friend of mine in describing a former employer. She said something like this: “That woman just sucks the bliss out of every happy moment. Doesn’t matter what it is. She has a way of seeing the negative in everything – and never fails to express it.”

It’s no surprise my friend moved on to happier pastures. Who wants to be around somebody like that? 

Here are the signs that you may be in the presence of a Bliss Sucker:

• You ask them how they’re doing and are afraid they’ll answer
• You find yourself going down a different hallway or hiding in the first available cubicle when you see them coming
• You feel your energy drain into your feet when you have to spend any time around them

The most important thing to know about Bliss Suckers is that there is nothing you can do to change them. Nobody ever changes anyone else’s behavior (except possibly through short-term coercion). Real behavioral change always comes from within. Bliss Suckers are likely to keep doing what they do, because they’re benefitting from their behavior somehow. Could it be they are happy only when those around them absorb and spread their negativity?

Avoid these people when you can. When you can’t, express your own optimism as strongly as you know how, and refuse to let them steal your happiness. Then quickly go and find someone who can appreciate and share your upbeat view of things. It’s the only antidote I know of to Bliss Suckers. If you have other ideas, you are welcome to share them here.

A Whiff of Change

When you think about it, change is a bit like air: it’s everywhere, all the time, and sometimes it smells better than others. Although we often hear about managing change, that notion strikes me as unproductive.

The practical approach is to think about change in terms of how we respond to it, not how we manage it. This is more than a semantic difference.

Managing something implies we have a measure of control over it, which is not always possible. Economic downturns. Budget cuts. Business closures. It is rare for us to be in a position to control changes like these.

Responding, on the other hand, means intentionally choosing the words we use when thinking or talking about change. Words can be tools or weapons. What we say, both to ourselves and to others, is entirely our choice.

So when change comes your way (and it will), try to find words that offer a productive perspective. For example:

• ·         We can do this.
• ·         Who knows? Maybe there’s an opportunity here.
• ·         We were smart and capable before this change, and we’re still smart and capable.

These are not just feel-good sentiments. They are powerful ways of constructing private thoughts and public conversations. In the face of change, well-chosen words can create a better outcome than we ever thought possible.

The Generations Speak

Last week I had the opportunity to facilitate a panel discussion on intergenerational communication. The panel was created by TAGLaw and TIAG, two related membership associations for law firms and CPA firms. The panel consisted of one member from each of the three dominant generations working today: Boomers, Gen X-ers, and Millennials.

Thanks to the panelists for an enlightening discussion: Norman Posner, CPA, managing partner of Samet CPAs in  Massachusetts; Brigid Heid, a partner in Carlile Patchen & Murphy law firm in Ohio; and Chuck Price, an associate with Haskell Slaughter law firm in Alabama. Each of them represented their respective generations with candor, clarity, and humor. Following are three suggestions that bubbled up from the conversation.

Relax. Members of all generations can reduce conflict and increase productivity just by taking a breath. Instead of reacting to a situation, respond to it. When you do not feel understood by a member of another generation or do not understand them, unclench your jaw and open your mind. As with all conflict, the answer to the problem generally lies somewhere in the middle of two reactions. So bend a little, breathe a lot, and ask questions before making declarative statements about how ridiculous the old people/young people are.

Accept. Millennials are changing the way the business world operates — for the better, in many ways. The wisdom, judgment, and experience of Boomers and Gen X-ers, when combined with the creativity and confidence of these new workers, can be a powerful force for productivity and progress.

Connect. If you want a more productive workplace with less inter-generational angst, initiate a connection with someone from a different generation. Seek out a mentor from a different generation. Spend time with people who don’t look like you, talk like you, or think like you. Ask questions. Listen. That’s how you learn the strengths of every individual and connect with them authentically. When you connect with individuals, you naturally remove whatever labels you may have been applying, generational or otherwise. Removing labels liberates everyone involved, reducing conflict, increasing productivity, and contributing to organizational happiness.

Relax, accept, and connect. The panelists really got it right on this. Sounds like good advice for life outside of work, too.

You First

A member of a leadership team told me something that sparked an insight. We were talking about the lack of discourse among the senior team members during meetings. Although the leader of the organization asked for and genuinely welcomed feedback and discussion, her team generally remained mute.

When I asked my colleague why, he said, “Well, I am reluctant to respond because I don’t trust everyone else at the table not to disparage me after the meeting. I don’t trust that they won’t talk about me or write nasty emails about something I said.”

I hear this frequently, and it’s a shame. I doubt it surprises any of you, either. But here is the good part that led to insight. I followed up his commentary with this question:  “Has anyone actually ever disparaged you after you said something in those meetings, as far as you know?” He paused for quite a while and said, “No, but I’ve seen it happen to others. I guess I’m just afraid it will happen to me.”

That’s fear. Fear of what hasn’t happened, except to someone else. The only productive response is to feel the fear and do it anyway.

If members of a team are ever going to trust each other, one brave person in addition to the group leader has to take the initial step. Of course, leaders need to reiterate the need for confidentiality. Then, one courageous soul has to speak his mind and ask the group to keep the conversation where it belongs – in the confines of  that meeting and nowhere else.

Everyone has to agree to and maintain this standard, or they really shouldn’t be there in the first place. Trust is built through shared experience. The more people participate in productive meetings that are treated confidentially, the more the participants will trust each other. But somebody has to get the ball rolling.

So go ahead. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You might be very pleasantly surprised at the results.

Think Again

Thoughtfulness may be the most valuable trait for any working person. While I wish I had learned that oh-so-many years ago, it’s a fairly recent insight. Perhaps like some of you, it remains a challenge.

First, definitions of “thoughtfulness” from the Oxford American Dictionary:

1. Engaged in or given to meditation.

2. Giving signs of serious thought.

3. Considerate; not haphazard or unfeeling.

Each definition is slightly different from the other, yet all are related. They all reflect a certain deliberateness of communication style, even when the communication is utterly internal. This deliberateness has grown in importance as our world has begun to move ever faster, with a concurrent decrease in kindness, both toward ourselves and each other.

How many times have you thought something like this: “Man, I am such a loser. I didn’t get everything done I was supposed to do today, and now that time is gone. Loser, loser, loser.” You can fill in your own personal reasons for feeling this way. The bottom line: once you label yourself something negative, you have diminished yourself. What a pity. What a waste.

How often have you behaved poorly toward a co-worker, client, or vendor because you haven’t thought through the consequences and implications of your behavior before doing it? This is precisely how most office (and maybe personal) misunderstandings begin. We don’t take the time to consider an alternative to the poor behavior we’re about to display. We diminish ourselves and, in this instance, others as well.

Lack of thoughtfulness is bad for business. Although we are moving at the speed of light these days, it makes sense to take a moment, to take a breath, to stop and think.

And then, perhaps, think again.

Closing the Distance in Three Simple Steps

Everyone has trouble with someone at work. Even you. Maybe it’s a less experienced team member. Maybe it’s a peer. Maybe it’s your boss. Whoever it is, you feel a distance, a wariness setting in toward this Other. Things used to be alright, but for whatever reason, they aren’t anymore. You don’t like the situation.

You are smart not to like it, and I hope you want to change it. Because whether a direct report, peer, or boss, it is in your best interests to regain a cordial working relationship. The Other affects your productivity and happiness. In some cases, the Other may also affect your monetary success and longevity in the organization.

Assuming you want the relationship to improve, it is vital to start with this understanding: nothing at all will change unless you make the first move. You are the only person you can control in the relationship. You have to initiate. Once you decide to do so, here are three essential steps to close the distance between you and the Other.

1. First, don’t make a big deal about it. Just approach the Other casually. Say hi. Make eye contact. That’s enough for one interaction. 
2. After that, get bolder. Engage the Other in a conversation. It can be about sports, work, or plans for the weekend. Keep it simple and short, then go about your business.
3. Finally, take a deep breath. Ask the Other out for lunch or coffee. Don’t have an agenda. Just go. Listen, chat, laugh when you can. Get to know the Other better or differently than you have before.

Through these little steps, perhaps you and the Other will find common ground. You might even get the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings. At a minimum, though, you will know a little more about the Other than you did before.

Even if you discover you are unlikely to become best buddies, you will have defused some of the confusion and insecurity that existed in your mind. And you will surely be able to pat yourself on the back for making the effort.