Planning isn't Doing. Only Doing is Doing.

When you enter “planning apps” into a Google search, you get 315 million hits. That’s a lot of planning. In contrast, when you search for “execution strategy apps,” the number falls to just under 77 million. There are more than four times the number of internet opportunities to plan than there are to execute.

Here’s what I have discovered in my own planning experience:

• It feels good to discuss things, get excited about them, commit to them in theory, and envision the results.
• Planning seems smart, so we feel smart doing it.
• We will pay to have people or things (apps) help us do it. Whether it’s 99 cents or $9000, plenty of people shell out money to planning experts. Paying money makes us feel like we’ve done something important.

I’m fairly certain that of these three, the fact that it feels good is the most compelling. I’ve spent countless hours facilitating planning sessions for CPAs, lawyers, and association executives. I’ve had thousands of conversations with friends and colleagues as they plan their next step. I see eyes light up and feel energies rise, because the very act of planning makes people feel as though they have actually done something.

But here’s the thing: planning doesn’t make anything happen. Doing does. The plan currently gathering electronic dust isn’t helping you or your firm do better, no matter how good it felt to create it. As good as planning feels, it’s only meaningful when combined with execution.

Come Out of the Emotional Closet

When I hear a business person speak with disdain about emotions in business, I can feel my feathers ruffle. And my feathers get ruffled a lot. For example: “We’re all about technical proficiency at this firm. Soft-skills education is a waste of time and money.” Better yet: “Showing emotion at work is a bad career move.” Or my personal favorite:
“Oh, I don’t have time to worry about that touchy-feely crap. That’s why I have HR people.” 

Bias against emotion at work is as ridiculous as bias against gender, race or sexual preference. To deny that employees are emotional beings is to deny reality. No matter how cold the exterior may be, a heart beats inside. Ignoring the heart and what makes it beat happily is stupid business.

After all my years working with humans, I am sure of one thing: feelings are the foundation of everything, whether personal or professional. Feelings drive thoughts. Thoughts drive behavior. Behavior drives results. In that order, always. As a leader, if you want a good result from your team members, then recognize that emotions form the foundation of who they are and how they perform.

I’m pretty sure I know why so many leaders dismiss emotions at work. It’s because many of them, mostly male, are uncomfortable with their own emotions. They’ve spent a lifetime living up to society’s definition of masculinity. They have stuffed their emotions under mountains of work and less-productive endeavors like overeating, over drinking, and shutting down at home. And while I hate to admit this, plenty of women in leadership positions are doing the same thing. What a pity. We can do better. Here’s how:

Get comfortable in your own skin. Accept that you are a whole human being walking into your firm every day. You are not just your brain; you are your heart, body, and spirit. All of you comes to work. When you understand and accept this, you will get better at recognizing that your emotions are an integral part of your successes and your failures. In fact, your emotions play a huge role in making you uniquely you.

Respect and acknowledge others’ emotions. Everybody has them, and they bring them to work every day. You don’t need to run around hugging everyone. However, you can certainly allow for a discussion of emotional responses to ideas, initiatives, and specific experiences. It’s as simple as this: just add a question to your conversations. In concluding a thought or conversation, you might typically ask “What do you think of that?”. Now just add one more: “How do you feel about that?” You are likely to get a richer and more meaningful response by asking both questions.

Actively seek out the emotional temperature of your organization. Don’t just find out what people are doing. Find out how they feel. Ask them. Then give them room to answer. Make it safe for them to answer truthfully. And if you don’t like the emotional temperature in your firm, take action to make things better. Be intentional about it and take personal responsibility for it, rather than relegating it to your Fun Committee or to HR.

All of this is easier said than done. But once you begin down the path of understanding people as whole beings rather than intellectual capital, no doubt you will find the journey rewarding for yourself and your firm. You will unleash your team in all its wholeness, increasing creativity, reducing turnover, and adding to your bottom line. It sure beats living life in the dark, cramped quarters of an emotional closet.

Lessons Learned on a Ledge

When you’re afraid of heights, it makes no sense at all to slide down the side of a five- story building. But I am afraid of heights, and I did it, anyway. 

The Great Leap of 2013, as I will forever call it, was a fantastic closing of a year-long project that I co-facilitated. It was a leadership workshop designed to build deep relationships and increase understanding of leadership strategies and tactics. Certainly rappelling contributed to those goals.

Here are some of the things I observed and learned:

1.The first steps are the scariest. That’s the time to keep pushing in the face of fear: when your feet are edging toward what feels like oblivion. Whether you are launching a new service, creating a new position, or handling a fierce conversation, the beginning is the toughest part. Get through that, and you can keep going.

2.Whatever narrative you repeat, you will believe. If you stand at the ledge and tell yourself you can continue, then you will.

3.When things get scary, focus on what’s right in front of you. For me, looking down was not an option, especially at the start. So I just looked straight ahead. It kept everything in perspective and lessened the fear. The same applies to working on a complex project with uncertain outcomes.

4. Break big tasks into small steps that you can control. When I thought about the fact that I was about to crawl down the side of a building, my entire being screamed, “What are you, nuts? Stop this!” But when I told myself to take the first step up to the edge, then hold the ropes, then lean back, then take small steps down, it was doable. 

5.Stress can bring people together if you handle it right. In our case, we handled it with humor. Each of us who rappelled was scared. All of us had knocking knees. But we kept laughing, joking, and hugging each other — before and after going over the edge.

6.Doing scary things is exhilarating, and worth celebrating. The sense of accomplishment that results from facing a lifelong fear is huge. Our team earned bragging rights for at least the rest of the year. It gives us a reason to celebrate success. When you and your team achieve something challenging or overcome a difficulty, don’t be humble. Be proud. Jump for joy. High five each other. Let the moment of victory linger.

When we push our boundaries, we make our world a little bigger and our spirits a little stronger. When we do that as a team, the whole group bonds and grows. I hope my experience will encourage you to take a big step off of a very high ledge...with proper ropes and guidance, of course.

Complacency Kills

Dictionary.com defines complacent as:

“pleased, especially with oneself or one's merits, advantages, situation, etc., often without awareness of some potential danger or defect; self-satisfied”

What the dictionary doesn’t say is that being complacent eventually kills both relationships and revenue. If you’re hearing the statements below in your firm, you’re probably at risk of losing clients. The only way to save ourselves is to ask questions that counter individual and organizational complacency.

Complacency: “We’ve had this client for years. They love us.” Well, maybe they do and maybe they’re just feeling so-so about you. To think you can serve them year after year the same way you always have is pure folly. Rest assured, your competitors are looking to take your place with that client. They want what you have, and they will work hard to get it. 

Counter: Have I asked this client how we’re doing, face to face? Better yet, have I sent someone else in to ask the client how we’re doing -- just in case there’s something making Adoring Client uncomfortable or less than pleased with us? Have I spent the right amount of non-billable time partnering with this client to improve something about their business or their life? Have I brought them a new idea? 

Complacency: “We’ve always done it this way.”  What this really says is, “Hey, it’s not broke. Let’s not fix it. Let’s concentrate on our real (billable) work.”  The trouble is, your clients expect you to keep doing things better and working in their interests more effectively, on a fairly consistent upward spiral. They may not express it, but they surely do expect it. And if they don’t get the most forward-thinking innovation from you, they might just get it from your competitors. 

Counter: More questions. Which of our systems or processes are clunky, ineffective, or unnecessary? When is the last time we asked our clients what they’d like to get from us? What’s working well right now that we could do even better? 

You’ll notice that the counters to complacency are similar. They both require asking hard questions. We have to look in our organizational mirror and see who’s looking back. The price of not doing so is high: disaffected, disengaged clients that are ripe for the picking by your competition.

Advice About Giving Advice

A recent conversation with a friend illuminated in my mind an important communication tool to use when someone seeks your advice. I had asked my friend about a decision I needed to make. His response was, “I was hoping you would ask me about this, but I didn’t want to interfere. Are you sure you really want my answer? Because if you do, I’m happy to give it. But if you’re just looking to affirm a decision you’ve already made, you’re asking the wrong guy.”

Most of us have been in my friend’s situation. Most of us, though, don’t always have such a wise answer. I have broken his response into five different tactics. Each one is important if you want to be effective at giving advice.

1. Wait until you are asked. No matter how qualified you may be to help someone, you will not be well received if they’re not ready for your counsel.
2. If you aren’t qualified to give the advice, say so. At that point, you can empathize and commiserate, but not advise. Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed, anyway.
3. Determine whether the person asking really wants your affirmation, rather than your advice. If you are unsure, do what my friend did and ask.
4. If you discover that they really do want your advice, give it clearly, honestly, and kindly. Kindness is key. When someone opens up enough to ask your advice, he is likely feeling quite vulnerable and is trusting you with his feelings. Try hard not to step on them.
5. There’s one more: don’t be offended if the person doesn’t take your advice. It’s difficult not to get attached to our own view of things, but it’s important to disengage once you have offered your opinion. Free will must rein.

As we progress through life and build a database of experience, people will need and ask for our help. It is a privilege to be asked to share our thoughts. In doing so, I hope these five steps will be useful to you.

Finally, the irony of my offering you unsolicited advice, as I regularly do in these posts, is not lost on me. I hope you get as big a chuckle out of it as I did when I realized what I was doing.

Marriage and Business: Not So Different

More than once, I have described partnerships as having all the disadvantages of marriage and none of the advantages. This morning, my husband and I were talking about why we have a happy marriage of nearly 22 years duration (in truth, I was talking and he was listening, which is part of what makes our marriage happy). We came up with three simple things: we love each other, we walk through this life together, and we always have each other’s backs. It occurs to me that perhaps those three things apply to happy organizations, too.

Love each other. We can apply a broad definition of love to business. Love encompasses respect, courtesy, responsibility, talking, listening, boundaries, and tenacity. All of these apply to healthy work relationships.

Walk through this life together. In marriage, this means spending plenty of time together, finding ways to enrich the relationship. It also means enduring the lows and exulting in the highs, together, sticking with it as long as love remains. As partners, employers, and employees, we can vow to walk together toward clear and unifying goals, for the duration of our relationship. We can deliberately seek out ways to strengthen the bonds between us. I believe that the more we are together, the stronger our relationships can become. Maybe that’s not “until death do us part,” but thinking this way sure beats “until a better offer comes along.”

Always have each other’s backs. No matter how much I falter, I know my husband supports me; he understands that I, too, support him the same way. We don’t always agree, and we don’t have to. But we know that presenting a unified front to the world sends very clear messages to anyone who’s paying attention. This principle applies equally well to partners and executives. You are free to disagree with each other, but when you face your employees, managers, and customers, you send a powerful message to all of them when you are united.

When you look at it this way, it becomes clear that strong relationships, whether marital or business, are similar. Assess your organization by applying these three simple principles. What you discover may help guide you to the next right action.

Audit Yourself

As a regular reader of this post, chances are you have experienced a few things that are truly a big deal: illness, divorce, death, job loss and the like. Nowhere in that list will we ever see these: a co-worker wrote me a mean-spirited email, my boss displayed his typical sense of superiority today, or I had to clean the office coffee pot again. 

So why do we allow such pettiness to charge us up? And what can we do to respond more productively?

Maybe we permit the pettiness because it feels so very real in the moment, where the bigger life issues seem more distant. Maybe we feel we must react to the smaller issues because we (usually mistakenly) think we have the skills to do so. Or maybe we watch too much reality television, where all issues rise to the nuclear level.

In her book, When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron examines emotional reactions and offers great advice about what we can do. She asks us to consider a reasonable approach: what if we simply decided that whatever we are going through just wasn’t a big deal? What if we neither suppressed our emotions nor reacted to them, but studied them instead? We could then look at the emotions more objectively, take some time away from the current petty drama, and perhaps return with a more productive response...or perhaps no response at all. I don’t know about you, but I relax just thinking about the possibilities.

Daily working life is filled with opportunities for conflict, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and negativity. Each of these kills creativity, innovation, and productivity, so it’s smart to find an effective way to deal with emotions that arise at the office. 

The way that makes most sense to me is to stop reacting to our emotions so quickly. Slow the whole process down by mentally stepping outside ourselves to examine the emotion we’re feeling, spend a little time with that emotion internally, and describe it to ourselves simply as interesting. And then let it go. Don’t feed the emotion; study it and release it.

If we all started refusing to get charged up over life’s daily insults, it’s quite possible that conflicts would decrease and cultures would strengthen. Strong cultures mean less turnover, more teamwork, and greater collective and individual performance. And that is a very big deal, indeed.

Effective Leaders Create Effective Followers

We’re consistently hearing and reading about what makes an effective leader. We don’t hear as much about what makes effective followers. It makes sense to figure this part out, because there will always be more followers than leaders.

First, let’s determine what effective followers aren’t. They aren’t good soldiers who march to a steady drumbeat. They aren’t indentured servants waiting in line to become partner (at least, they aren’t anymore). And they aren’t passive order-takers. 

Here’s what effective followers are. They are technically strong critical thinkers. They are confident enough as individuals to question what they don’t understand. They make a conscious choice to follow their leaders based on careful analysis, solid decision-making, and commitment to something greater than themselves.

Leaders, please read the previous paragraph again. Ask yourself how many of your team can be described this way. If your calculation leaves you less than inspired, the first person you need to hold responsible is yourself. If you want effective followers, you need to help create them. Here are three ideas:

1. Clarify in your own mind your take on the present and your vision of the future. Share both of these pictures with everyone in your firm. Do this regularly and often. Use every outlet at your disposal to distribute this message. Your followers want to know what and how you think.
2. Be completely clear about your expectations of individuals and departments in the firm. Share those expectations face-to-face with people. Let them know what you want from them. Be as specific as you can without diving into micromanagement. Give them direction. Don’t make them wonder. Tell ‘em and tell ‘em again, not just during their evaluations.
3. Be the loudest cheerleader. Celebrate every achievement, whether firm-wide or individual. Don’t delegate enthusiasm.  

Leadership is critical to success. So is having great followers. Remember to develop both. 

Creating Happiness When the Job Doesn’t Do It

In a recent conversation with a young professional, he lamented that he did not really care about his job. He said he feels like every day is drudgery and that what he does makes little or no difference in the greater scheme of things. 

Our conversation got me thinking about what it takes to maintain job happiness when either the work or the organization isn’t fulfilling. Two basic principles immediately came to mind:

First, accept that happiness in any part of your life starts between your ears. The way you choose to think will always affect how you feel. 

Second, realize that no job will always make you happy. It's like any long- term relationship, filled with highs, lows, and plenty of in-betweens. I think that's why it's called work, not vacation. 

If you can agree with these principles, here are three tactics you might consider to increase day to day happiness when your job is less than ideal:

Create professional relationships, both inside and outside your firm. It can be difficult to feel passionate about an organization as a whole. Expecting to do so may be too tall an order. But feeling strongly about individuals is much easier. So seek out those within the organization who make you feel some sort of positive emotion. Talk with them, listen to them, share ideas and interests. They can sustain you through your dissatisfaction, and they might just change your perspective.

Compete. Compete with yourself, with other team members, or with outside industry members. Find something you’re good at and decide you want to be the best. Focus on doing what you need to do to be the best at that one thing. Develop a plan around becoming the best. Then implement it. This will give your mind something to do besides ruminate on your lack of satisfaction. If you get to be the best at something, you will be recognized for it within and perhaps outside your organization. You will feel great about achieving a competitive goal and meeting it. 

Find one thing at work that intrigues you, either emotionally or intellectually. Maybe it’s a particular service or product; maybe it’s a specific market. Learn everything you can about that single thing and focus on it. It may have nothing to do with the job you do. That doesn’t matter. Just learn everything you can and see if there’s some way you can eventually become associated with it. Even if you can’t, your mind will be engaged in learning something new, and you will be thinking about something more positive than your dissatisfaction.

What it comes down to is this: if you can’t care about your job or your organization as a whole, try to find some part of it that you can care about. By doing that, you give your mind something productive to focus on in the present moment. And who knows? Maybe by focusing on your present, you will begin to shape your future.

Keyboard Bullies

Recently a client had a bit of a bumpy leadership ride. He made a decision too quickly and suffered fairly heavy criticism as a result. I have been thinking about something he said: “It’s not that I mind taking the heat; that’s my job. And I’ve lived long enough to know when I made a mistake, how to apologize for it, and how to fix it. I can do all that and move on. But what bothers me, what I can’t get past just yet, is the venomous nature of the attacks coming my way.”

It does seem as though we’re living in a particularly poisonous time, communication-wise. Whether through emails, blog comments, or Facebook posts, we feel free to spew and sputter our most negative perspectives. We lob written fireballs at employers, colleagues, and team members with astonishing ferocity. 

I suppose we can blame all kinds of sources as bad role models: talk radio, reality TV, political haters all come to mind. But it really would be cowardly to hold someone else responsible for communication we initiate. Who’s responsible for our communication, if not us? Nobody forces us to post the threatening or demeaning blog comment. No ghostly hand coerces our finger to hit “send” on an earth-scorching email. We do it all by ourselves.

Life is so much better when we avoid creating or responding to negativity. This isn’t about pretending everything is perfectly delightful all the time.  And it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t discuss what’s wrong. We absolutely must. But we can improve only when we have those discussions respectfully and in person, not from our keyboards. 

Listen Up

All of us know how important it is to listen to others. Everyone is aware that listening to others is a crucial part of developing relationships and a driver of success. Yet most of us are dismal at it. We pay half-hearted attention on our best days and none at all on the rest. 

The reasons for our half-heartedness are clear: we are doing more with less, we’re distracted by technology, and we have convinced ourselves that we can multi-task. We have devalued the skill of listening. I say we bring it back, and soon. Here’s why whole-hearted, full-on listening matters:

Listening is a demonstration that you value someone. It’s a gift to that person. By stopping what you are doing and listening intently and intentionally to someone, you acknowledge their presence and their value. You reinforce the bonds of your relationship. 

Listening is intimate. Looking at someone’s face as they are speaking to you, studying their expressions and body language, and hearing the tone and melody of their voice, all paint a fairly complete picture of a person. You can learn so much in that one moment. 

Listening improves your self-discipline. It is so much easier to speak, to opine, to pontificate than it is to hold your thoughts inside your head. Listening requires that you use your ears and mouth proportionally and, again, intentionally. It increases your inner strength. It may even allow your mind to open, because your mouth is closed.

Listening makes you look smart. Mark Twain said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” So true.

Listening enriches the spirit of the speaker and the listener. The speaker feels your recognition, your attention, and your full presence. When you are aware of the gift you give by listening, you feel better about you. You know you’ve done something good. You have existed fully in a relationship with another human being, often in just a few minutes.

A few minutes of whole-hearted listening seems like a pretty simple route to stronger human relationships. 

The Upside of Self-Centeredness

After watching a particularly dark and violent movie a few months ago, I had a revelation: “This doesn’t make me better.” It doesn’t make me a better advisor, a better wife, a better friend. That little revelation changed how I make decisions. It shifted my perspective. The question I ask myself now is “How does ____________ make me better?”

This question focuses your thoughts on you. It makes you look at yourself and answer a difficult question. For example, “How does it make me better to...:

... avoid having a difficult conversation with my team member?

... continue to accept unclear direction from my supervisor?

... participate on a work team that has no clear understanding of its purpose?

… choose not to recognize the achievements — or suffering of a colleague?

... accept clients who do not add value to my work?

… gossip about my co-worker?

...  show up late to meetings because I allow myself to be over-scheduled?

... wait for someone else to take the initiative?

Clients often ask me how they can change their culture when the leadership either supports bad habits or doesn’t support good ones. Doing this exercise in self-centeredness is a start. Cultures are changed one person and one behavior at a time. When you choose to make yourself better, you make your culture better.

Why ASAP Must Die

ASAP. This hideous little acronym, short for “as soon as possible,” has done more than its fair share to cloud communication.

It’s a topic in all of my communication presentations. People in my audiences nod in agreement when I address how ASAP has lost all meaning, if it ever had any. They look down sheepishly when I ask who has used it. They giggle uncomfortably when I ask who has allowed ASAP to be used on them. And then we talk a little more about it, and they begin to understand why it’s such an obstacle to clear communication:

1. It lacks specificity. If you need something from someone else, the reasonable approach is to tell them precisely when you need it. “Sally, can you get this to me by Tuesday at 3:30?” Then let Sally answer the question.
2. It excludes all others from the conversation. As soon as possible for whom? For you? For the recipient of your request? What about all those other people who have asked for something ASAP? There are limitless possibilities for confusion without specifics.
3. It’s a power play, usually used by a senior on a junior team member. It falsely demonstrates that one person’s time is more valuable than another’s. In these days of flatter organizations and speedier communications, that’s just not accurate. Everybody’s role is critical in making an organization run smoothly.
4. It builds resentment in your recipients, who may not feel free to ask you to clarify precisely when you want something – although they would be wise to do so. Resentment leads to a sense of victimization, which leads to complaining, which leads to disgruntled employees, which leads to turnover and lost productivity.
5. It removes power from your real emergencies. If you use ASAP constantly, when you truly do need something immediately, the person you are asking to respond ASAP likely won’t believe you.

Here’s the most interesting part: even after plenty of conversation about banning ASAP, I return to clients’ offices later, only to hear it used repeatedly and without question. It’s automatic. 

They say it takes 21 days to break an old habit and replace it with a new one. Today would be a great day to start adding dates and times to every request you make. 

Free Yourself

Hello -

It’s only the beginning of 2013, and I’ll bet for some of you it’s already starting to look eerilly similar to 2012. Same dull, unproductive meetings. Same non-emergency emergencies. Same stuff, different day. If this is how you’re seeing things, your work life probably looks pretty dreadful to you.

Well, guess what? You can change it. In the blink of an eye. With a simple decision to see things differently. And then, of course, to act on that decision.

• Learn to say no. If you’re calendar and life are insane, that’s your responsibility. For example, are you on a committee that fills you with dread at the mere thought of it? Resign. Don’t try to persevere through it. Resign. You won’t win any contests for angelic behavior by staying in a situation where you aren’t your best. Chances are that, at this point, there’s somebody who can bring more energy and enthusiasm than you, so get off, open up your schedule, and give someone else an opportunity.  
• Ask more questions. Don’t just take orders. For example, when somebody asks you to do something ASAP, ask for a specific time and date deadline. You will be amazed at how much confusion and misspent energy can be avoided by using this simple tactic.
• Initiate. Don’t wait. Sitting behind your computer hoping for something to change is folly. So make up your mind to do something constructive. Be the first to help when it comes to improving a situation or a relationship. Take the risk of trying to make things better. And for heaven’s sake, decide to work on your own behavior before you even think about how someone else is behaving. 

Our working lives — and maybe our lives as a whole — improve when we free ourselves by changing our minds. When you choose simply to maintain the status quo, no matter how unproductive or unpleasant, you are choosing to imprison yourself. By shifting perspective and acting on that shift, you unlock your own door.

Herding Virtual Cats

Face-to-face leadership is complex enough. Leading team members you don't see regularly, such as virtual workers or those in distant offices, bumps the complexity up a notch or two.

  

Our newest knowledge workers are pushing for the flexibility to fit work into their lives, rather than fitting their lives into their work. This cultural shift is changing the way we do business. 

Firms that adapt their mindset, communications and infrastructure accordingly will find greater success than those who cling to the old ways of management and leadership.

 

My colleague and friend, Michelle Golden, is the founder of Golden Practices and a highly regarded consultant to the professions. She and I published an article about virtual leadership in the November issue of Practice Management Forum.

Our article addresses the following questions:

• How do you create and sustain relationships with employees who are spread across the city, state, or country? 
• How do you measure their productivity and effectiveness?
• How do you ensure your firm’s strong culture becomes part of every individual employee, regardless of location?

You can learn the answers to these questions in the full article here.

Corral Your Conflict

All reasonable people agree that avoiding the muck in communication is best. However, when we find ourselves smack-dab in the muck, what do we do? What do we do when: 

• A co-worker sends you an email that sends you over the edge?
• Your manager makes a snarky remark about your work habits in a team meeting?
• A co-worker blows up at you for no apparent reason? 

There are any number of ways to handle these situations. Before I get to those, here are a couple of very important things NOT to do:

1. Don’t react when you are emotional. Think, then respond.
2. Don’t share the incident by telling your co-workers all about it. When you do that, you involve people who can’t solve your problem, you contribute to the gossip machine, and you burden others.
3. Don’t invest more energy in a particular conflict than it’s worth. Realize the difference between issues you need to address and those you can let go. Pick your battles, because conflict is a major energy drain. 

To corral your conflict, employ the flip side of the three points above:

1. Have the self discipline to handle the situation like an adult. Keep the conflict where it belongs: between you and That Certain Someone.
2. Take as long as you need to reach emotional balance, but deal with the issue as soon as you achieve that balance - if it truly warrants your attention.
3. Leave some room in your head and heart for understanding. Maybe the people in the scenarios described above were having an off day. If their behavior is out of the norm for them, you can choose to ignore it. If the transgression has become a pattern or was extreme in nature, then you must be brave and handle it. But it’s critical to be aware of the difference. 

While my bias is that most things need to be talked out, this isn’t true all the time. Over the years, I’ve learned that the sting of a negative encounter fades rather quickly when I allow it to. Giving that encounter more energy than it deserves takes away from the other terrific things happening around me, and that’s just a waste.

Perhaps the most important behavior in containing conflict is internal strength. Keeping anger, frustration, embarrassment and other negative emotions to yourself requires great strength. So does showing courage, compassion, and clarity when you find yourself stuck in the muck. 

All of this is simple, but not one bit of it is easy. This is when I realize how hard it is to be human.

Game-Changing Words

About a year ago, one of my friends was knee-deep in a very difficult client relationship. She had worked with this client for many years, during which time he had always been relatively unapproachable and untrusting. Sometimes he was rude and disrespectful. Always quick to find fault, he never showed his appreciation for her counsel, support, or expertise. Sound familiar?

The relationship had reached a low point, and my friend knew she did not want to continue working with this client under the current circumstances. So she decided to sit down and talk with him. She told him what she thought about their relationship and how it felt to work with him. As you can imagine, she put a lot of thought into how she would address the issue.

In spite of her effort, she wasn’t breaking through to her client, and she knew it. Finally, after an hour of this, she was exhausted, and simply said: “I just want you to know that I care about you. I care about your family. I care about your business.” That’s when the game changed. From that moment forward, the client became much more open, trusting, and positive. My friend and her client are on firm footing today, and their enhanced relationship is driving the business to new heights.

I’ve been wondering why the words “I care about you…” are so powerful. After all, every website, every ad, every brochure seems to tout how much “we care about our clients.” What’s different? The pronouns. “I care about you” speaks directly to the heart and mind of a single person. There is no mistaking the intent of this statement. 

“We care about our clients” is more abstract and distant; it’s really nothing more than a policy statement. Real relationships are built one person at a time, one conversation at a time. Therefore, it makes sense to move your language from the collective we to the singular I. Of course, delivering the message face-to-face is most effective.

Is it risky? Does it make you vulnerable to say something so personal? Do you risk your gruff old client scoffing at your statement? Maybe. But if it is the truth, say it. Your clients (and employees, by the way) need to hear directly from you how you feel about them. They need to know that you, individually, give a hoot about them and their well-being. When it’s your personal truth and not just a policy, nothing else comes close.

Avoiding the Muck

Consider these scenarios:

A. You’re deep in conversation about an important matter with a colleague when someone higher on the org chart than you are steps in and begins discussing something else entirely. You are annoyed at the intrusion but enjoy your paycheck. What do you do?

B. You’re up to your neck in deadlines when your very best employee sticks her head around the corner of your cubicle and says, “Got a minute?” You don’t. What do you do?

C. Your projects are piling up, but your bosses love you so much they want to put you on the company’s Fun Committee. You would rather stick pins in your eye. What do you do?

These are three examples of how you can easily step into professional muck. All of them are tests of your boundaries and the communication skills you have to navigate your way around the muck. 

Here are four rules of thumb for situations when your boundaries are tested and, occasionally, crossed:

1. Think bigger than the moment. Remember that when people cross your boundaries, they usually do so out of ignorance. Often, they really aren’t thinking about you; they are focused on their own immediate needs. Also remember that some of these people can affect your success at the company, so think long-term when you approach the muck.
2. Be honest (but remember #1). Many people are afraid to do this. They allow constant interruptions to the discipline of their day, they don’t tell others what they need, and, consequently, they feel victimized by intrusions on their time. This is a major cause of unhappiness at work.
3. Clarify and schedule. Determine what, precisely, the other party wants from you. Be sure you both understand it. Decide whether now is the best time to respond to their needs. If you can’t do it in that moment, determine when you can, and let them know when they will be at the top of your to-do list.
4. Respond to uncivilized behavior with civility. Only a tiny minority of people are truly impossible to get along with. Most are trying to get through their day, meet their obligations, and do a decent job — just like you. They simply may not remember the good manners their mother taught them. But you can.

Now, using these four rules of thumb, here are possible responses to the boundary pushers exemplified above. 

A. In response to the higher-up in our first example, you can stop  your conversation with your colleague, but only long enough to look the interrupter in the eye, smile, and say, “Bill and I are just about to wrap up our conversation on this project. Would it be ok if I came by your office in ten minutes?” Phrasing it as though you are asking permission softens the blow that you’re not responding to the interrupter’s needs instantly. It also conveys respect. Giving a time frame like ten minutes lets your higher-up know exactly when his needs will be attended to.

B. Your employee who needs you is important to your success and your company’s, because she’s “your very best employee.” Think carefully about your response, given your deadlines. First, stop what you’re doing. Second, look at her: she needs your acknowledgement. Third, in a calm voice, say, “I’m bumping up against several deadlines. I can spare five minutes for you, though. Will that be enough time to help you?” Then listen to her answer. If you can solve the problem in five, great. Do it. But hold  yourself and your employee to five minutes. At the end of that time, close the discussion. If it’s going to take longer, agree to a day and time when you can both meet.

C. Ah, the Fun Committee. Mandatory fun really isn’t, but plenty of companies haven’t yet gotten the word about that. However, if you think being on the committee would give you some exposure to others in your company who you normally don’t get to work with and might enjoy, then by all means sign up. But if there isn’t a really good reason to  join, you’re well within your boundaries to say no. Try this: “That’s a good committee, but it’s not a great fit for me. I would be unlikely to contribute much of value. But I’m really excited about some ideas I have to keep employee turnover low. How about if I serve on the Recruiting Committee?”

In the process of avoiding muck and setting your boundaries, do your best to be gracious. It’s important from the standpoint of civility. It also matters because someday, without a doubt, you will need the grace of others. 

Three Must-Ask Questions for Prospective Leaders

Think of the last person you hired to fill a mid-level or senior position. When you interviewed them, surely their resumes were carefully studied, their technical abilities, scholarly achievements and, perhaps, books of business were discussed. But what did you learn about them as leaders? Very likely nothing. Overlooking this critical component of managerial and leadership-level positions leads to lost productivity and plenty of employee problems down the road.

At a certain level, technical skills and academic or licensing achievements are table stakes, so don’t waste too much time reviewing them, or listening to the prospect crow about them. What you really want to know is how a person will lead, how they will build relationships with others, how they will guide, persuade, communicate, decide, and execute. 

While typical interviews are almost unimaginably inauthentic, you can at least try to uncover aspects of a prospect’s leadership style as part of the process. You can do it by asking the following three questions:

1. How do you describe your leadership style?
2. How do you handle conflict?
3. What would you do in the following scenario? (Then present the prospect with a real-life case study from your own experience. Listen carefully to how the prospect puzzles through a solution.)

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. The idea is to engage the prospect in conversation about behavioral issues such as leadership and conflict to determine whether they fit with your organization’s culture. If you assess that the answers are not a fit with your culture on Interview Day, it’s a darn good bet the prospect will not be a good fit with your company on any other day.

Lay That Skunk on the Table

Miscommunication is the source of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding is often the source of conflict. Seems to me we can reduce conflict by improving communication. 

As one of my southern New Mexico clients says, you have to lay the skunk on the table. When you are dealing with conflict, you have to examine the hard question (the skunk). You have to know and discuss in very precise terms the root of the issue. When I am asked by clients to neutralize conflict, I often find that people don’t even know exactly what they’re fighting about. It is nearly always a misunderstanding of a behavior, event or conversation that is interpreted differently by the parties involved.

I used to work for a man who, as the managing partner, was frequently faced with the necessity of difficult conversations. He would relay to me that he had a difficult-yet-productive conversation with a particular person and would almost invariably say, “I think he knows where he stands now. He’s going to do better. Just wait and see.” Not long thereafter, the other person in the conversation would come to see me. He would tell me what a delightful talk he just had with the managing partner, and how great it was to visit with him, with no recollection of any difficult issues. 

When it comes to difficult conversations, I think we sound much tougher in our own heads than we do to the people to whom we are speaking. We think we’re being very clear in voicing our expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. We assume we’re getting through because the other person is nodding his head as we speak. That’s just not correct. 

We’re not getting through because there’s a skunk in the room and we’re avoiding it. That skunk might be poor performance. It might be mediocre management. It could be lousy leadership. Whatever it is, we’re letting that skunk just wander around the room while we both pretend it isn’t there.

When I ask colleagues why this happens, they tell me they just don’t want to deal with conflict, and they believe laying the skunk on the table will lead to exactly that. As a lawyer friend of mine so aptly put it, “Oh, Melinda. Conflict. It’s just so unpleasant.”

True enough, I suppose. But aren’t the ongoing misunderstandings and related ill will, gossip, and reduced productivity ultimately far more unpleasant?

If you decide to lay the skunk on the table, remember to do three things:

1. Make the problem the problem. Deal with specific issues clearly. Favor respectful-but-direct communication over anyone’s temporary discomfort, especially your own.
2. Summon your courage. Take a deep breath before you begin. In advance, think about the words you want to use. 
3. Make the encounter a conversation, not a lecture or attack. Communication is two-way. Say what is on your mind. Be specific, clear, and open. Then, encourage the other person’s participation. Ask her, “What is your view of this issue? How do you see it?”. Discuss. Push through. 

If you truly want to work through a problem, don’t play a part in the communication charade, as so many people do. Stop watching the skunk run all over the room. Catch it and lay it on the table. Only in doing so will you begin to remove the odor from the room.