Dec 28, 2009

Professional Parents

A couple of my clients, owners of a CPA firm, were complaining about young professionals recently. Their issues fell mostly into the “not behaving professionally” arena: texting friends or visiting Facebook at work, arriving late, leaving early, ignoring client needs. If you work with Millennials (those born after 1980), you know the drill.

When I suggested it was possible the young folks didn’t know they were doing anything wrong, the partners scoffed. They’ve been told multiple times, the partners said, and they’re just not listening. The only time they shape up is when the partners get angry, and then the behavior changes are only temporary.

At this point, I started smiling, because these partners sounded exactly like two parents complaining about their kids. When they said “We shouldn’t have to tell them more than once about these issues!”, I could only ask this:

“How many times did you teach the same lessons, over and over, to your own children?” Whether it related to doing homework, getting ready for school on time, doing the dishes, or cleaning their rooms, I know every single American parent gave more than one, two, or three instructions.

It’s no different in the workplace. You have to give clear, consistent instruction. And you have to do it seemingly ad nauseum. You can’t just have conversations about it, either. At some point, there have to be consequences for non-productive behavior as it is defined by your organization’s leadership - not necessarily as defined by the Millennials themselves.

Sound a lot like your parenting days? Absolutely. Better accept it now: those of you who own and manage companies that employ young people are, indeed, repeating your roles as moms and dads. Of course, your employees are not your children; you can fire them if you don’t want to teach them. But that could get really expensive.

Smart owners, partners and managers understand they may have to start Millennial employees from square one when it comes to behaving professionally. So stop complaining, start teaching, and teach every day. Just like your own kids, these young workers will grow up. They will learn from you if you become the instructor you need to be.

Don’t Be a Weenie

The holidays usually provide opportunities for communications weirdness, and this year was no exception. I had an experience this season that was very instructive, both personally and professionally. The details of the conversation are unimportant; suffice it to say it was difficult. It involved my need to communicate expectations and emotions in a way that had some chance of being heard by others (i.e., not yelling, babbling, or crying).

The most important realization on my part was that, when it comes to communication, I – like most of us – can be a complete weenie. I don’t want to upset the apple cart; I don’t want anyone to be angry at me; I just want everyone to make nice. So I usually let things slide, and in doing that, I swallow gallons of resentment and, in my imagination, chew on nails of blistering verbal retribution. As it turns out, though, you can teach an old broad new tricks. Just this once, I was not a weenie. I said what needed saying, and I said it clearly, with the right tone, in the right place, to the right people. I hope what I have learned from this experience will help you. Here are the highlights:

  1. Difficult conversations require courage. You have to make up your mind to express yourself usefully. You have to initiate communication, because those on the other side will most likely not invite your thoughts. This means you have to stop being a weenie. You have to let go of worrying about what people will think of you if you speak up. As one of my wise, non-weenie friends, often says: “What other people think of me is none of my business.”. Non-weenies aren’t jerks; they’re people who know how to express themselves clearly, and who have the courage to deal with difficult issues.
  2. When you do speak up, address only the people you need to address. Do it privately. Don’t gripe to others about how you have been victimized, irritated, or otherwise wronged. That’s the ultimate weenie behavior.
  3. Burn up the negative energy you’re feeling before you speak. Take a brisk walk (mine, I can tell you, was a record-setter); do some pushups; meditate. Whatever you do to get centered and clear your head, do it and then have your conversation.
  4. Understand that speaking up doesn’t give you the right to be hurtful. It’s your right to declare yourself, but it isn’t your right to hurl invective. Words can be tools or weapons; it’s your choice. Have the mental and emotional discipline to choose wisely.
  5. Once you’ve said what you had to say, you can either allow room for debate or you can end the communication. That depends on your goal. If you want to hear what the other side has to say, wait. Want an apology or explanation? Ask for it. If you don’t, say so. Close the conversation. Shake hands, hug, smile, do whatever is appropriate for the situation.
  6. Then – and this is the most important part – let go. Let go of the hurt, the insult, whatever it was that caused the immediate problem. Start again with those who made the mistake. I guess this is some form of forgiveness, though not that dramatic. It is at least a way of wiping the slate clean in hopes of everyone getting it right the next time.

Here’s what I found: in refusing to be a weenie, I was liberated from cherishing any grudges or cradling any hurt. Being a non-weenie opened a place in my mind and heart where I could feel good, and not just for being courageous: I also created space to feel good about my relationship with the people I had to talk to. After all, they agreed to hear what I had to say. That couldn’t have been easy.

Just imagine how much less drama would be created in the home and workplace if we initiated difficult conversations and saw them through to a reasonable conclusion -- if we chose not to be weenies. That strikes me as a pretty good goal for the new year.

Dec 3, 2009

Want to feel better? Count your blessings. Literally.

I had the most interesting experience today. Like all of us, except maybe Wall Streeters, I’m dealing with a variety of stressors. It’s holiday season, my schedule is full of activities and commitments, some clients need my help and others don’t want it, and family obligations are coming into play. Sound familiar?

Instead of focusing on the stressors today, I chose to sit down for five minutes. In that five minutes, I was determined to find ten things for which I am grateful and to think about only those ten things. You can call it meditation, prayer, navel-gazing, whatever, but that’s what I did.

It felt strange at first to think so concretely about gratitude. My thoughts began with being grateful for concrete stuff, like the doctor figuring out what’s wrong with my foot and my dog not chewing up the newest bath mat. I’m a very small thinker.

When I had thought of four things, I had to push a little, mentally. I came up with another two, slightly loftier, things to be grateful for. And that’s when the strangest thing happened. By the time I reached six things, the floodgates opened. My mind was filled with rapid-fire thoughts, all of them about gratitude. As I allowed these thoughts to pass through my mind, I felt my energy rise and my attitude improve. Quite literally, I had to force myself to stop thinking grateful thoughts so I wouldn’t be late for a meeting.

I speak about gratitude quite often as part of a presentation I do on P.A.C.T., which is a set of communication tools and behaviors I developed (you can read the related articles entitled Firing on All Cylinders here). But I have never experienced the power of gratitude thinking quite as physically as I did today.

It would be useful for all of us to take five minutes at work to sit down and count what we’re grateful for in our careers. If you can’t commit to ten things, try to think of five. You might be surprised to find there are more than that if you leave your mind open to the possibility.

One thing is sure: this mental exercise will make you feel better than a visit to the candy machine or coffee shop. My bet is your higher energy and more open mind will be positively reflected in your behaviors and attitudes. That’s a good thing for you, your co-workers, and your customers.

Dec 1, 2009

Don't Lie to Your Customers (Even If They Work for You)

The New York Times is my favorite newspaper. I grew up on the Washington Post, but converted to the Times when they went electronic. Far and away, it’s the best newspaper web site out there.

But there’s just one thing: they lied to me. As I was reading the other day, I got a pop-up asking me if I wanted to participate in a brief survey that, the message said, would help the newspaper improve its site. While I normally don’t respond to pop-ups, I did so this time because I truly wanted to help the Times do better. It’s in my best interests as a reader. Happy to help.

Well. Within 30 seconds I knew my beloved Times was lying to me. The survey wasn’t brief, and it wasn’t designed to help the newspaper improve. It was a survey on brand awareness for one of the Times advertisers. I’m not interested in helping the Times advertisers. I’m not interested in doing what I estimated to be a 15-minute survey in the middle of reading the paper. So I clicked out. What do you think the chances are that I’ll ever respond to a Times pop-up again? Zilch.

I wonder how many of us are lying to our customers and employees about our abilities, our services, or our culture. Not necessarily intentionally, but lying all the same. If we can’t back up our marketing and advertising with skill and competency, that’s lying. If we don’t serve our customers well, but say we do, that’s lying. And if we really don’t have a high-trust corporate culture but we say we do, that’s still lying. You get my drift.

Some people might call this kind of lying “spinning” or “putting things in the best light” or maybe “aspirational messaging.” It’s still not true. Far better to tell the truth about who we are and what we do and the environment in which we do it. At least then, the consumer (either as buyer or potential employee) can make an informed decision and be held accountable for that decision. Anything else is just not truthful.