Dec 20, 2011

Collective Wisdom for the Season

In his excellent series on the collective wisdom of senior citizens, New York Times columnist David Brooks has, perhaps unwittingly, offered some useful ideas for surviving and thriving during the holidays. The ideas come from a series he is writing called Life Reports, in which he asks people over 70 years old to send him their recollections. Brooks writes that the happiest and best-adjusted participants in his Life Reports project had some things in common. For one, they all had a fairly specific set of responses to bad occurrences in their lives: forget it, forgive it, or be grateful for it.
This is excellent advice for coping with our current time of year. Along the range of truly bad events, the holidays are small potatoes for most of us. Many people are joyful creatures throughout the season, happily humming carols, baking cookies, and tossing tinsel. Then there’s the rest of us for whom the season is the perfect opportunity to be irritated, grouchy, and Grinchy. Whether it’s crowded shopping malls, uncivilized drivers, or Crazy Aunt Hattie spouting her political views at dinner, Brooks’ collective wisdom of the seniors is valuable for crafting a suitable response. 
In forgiving, forgetting, or being grateful, the words we use to talk to ourselves are crucial. For instance:

  • When somebody whips into a much-coveted parking space ahead of you, rather than making the internationally recognized gesture, say this to yourself: “Let that guy have the spot. I didn’t need it, anyway. I’ll park farther down and get some exercise.”
  • For the person who jostles you at the crowded shopping mall and then stares at you accusingly, just smile and say “Excuse me.” Was it you who bumped him? No. Does it matter? Not a bit. Be the first one to be civilized in an uncivilized world, and your day will go better.
  • And when Crazy Aunt Hattie spouts her latest political viewpoint, just be grateful she isn’t your spouse or your mother.  Two more things to be thankful for: she’ll be leaving right after dinner, and she doesn’t actually hold a political office. Then tell yourself how beautifully quiet your home will be...eventually. 
The words we say to ourselves drive our responses to situations big and small. The holidays are a great time to practice telling ourselves useful things, and they’re an ideal time to forgive, forget, and be grateful.
Happy holidays to every one of us.

Nov 21, 2011

Getting Unstuck

Lately I’ve had many conversations with clients and friends on a variety of subjects. Although the conversations differ in detail, nearly all of them carry a thread of similarity: people are stuck. Maybe it’s a job or a relationship or a pattern of behavior, but they’re all stuck. They’re frustrated, tired, and wondering how to get out of the quagmire. 
When you’re stuck in something, five steps can get you moving forward.
  1. Have a serious talk with yourself. Recognize the reality of your situation. You’re in a crummy job. You’re 30 pounds too heavy. Your debt load is scary. Don’t try to paint a pretty face on whatever’s got you stuck. Look at it square in the face without denial, without self-pity, with as little emotion as you can. 
  2. Get out of the “if only” mentality. “If only my boss would give me a raise.” “If only I could drop this weight.” “If only my credit card bills were lower.” This kind of self-talk takes the focus off of the only person who can begin to change your situation: you. 
  3. Light a fire under yourself. Stop waiting for Life or God or the Universe to change things for you. Start doing. Decide what you can do to change your situation today. What one small action can you take that will begin to improve things? It doesn’t have to be huge. You can dig out your resume, maybe edit it a bit. You can put down that donut and go for a walk. Or leave the department store before you put something else on your credit card. Tomorrow, you can do one more thing. And the next day, another. Pretty soon you’ve added a whole roster of useful behaviors to your daily life.
  4. Do something good for someone else. Whether it’s a donation to your favorite charity, serving food at the homeless shelter, or other random acts of kindness, do something that reminds you how lucky you are to have the problems you have.
  5. Find something to be happy about every day. Whether it’s a baby’s laughter, a dog’s wet snout, or the incredible blue of the sky, notice it. Drink it in. Take that moment and savor it. Once you notice one thing during the day, you’ll probably find others. These small things are what make life happy.
No doubt about it: we’re living in difficult times. I don’t know a single person who truly has it all figured out. Life is hard, and it’s easy to get stuck. But the most stable, happy, and resilient people I know are those who are doing these five things regularly.  Give them a try. You have nothing to lose, except perhaps a quagmire or two.
Wishing my American readers a very happy Thanksgiving.

Sep 8, 2011

The Apple of Your Client’s Eye

Recently I purchased my first Apple computer. It’s rapidly becoming my best inanimate companion. I expected that, because Apple is renowned for making top-quality products and they have a loyal and vocal consumer base, some of whom are my friends. 

What I didn’t expect was this: when I wrote about my purchase on Facebook, people were so excited that they commented on my post at some length, and more than one friend called to congratulate me. 
That got me thinking. How many people post on Facebook that they have just signed on with the Best Firm Ever? How often do people call to congratulate one another on their choice of lawyer, CPA, or consultant? Rarely. Probably never.
The important question, then, is what are we doing to become the Apple among our competitors? A few thoughts:
Price to value, not to cost. Apple buyers are confident that they are buying the market leader in quality, design, and innovation. They know before they walk into the store or click “buy” on the website that they’re paying top dollar. Apple does nothing in their advertising and marketing to disabuse consumers of that notion. Professional knowledge workers, on the other hand, generally can’t tell buyers the price of their services until after the fact. They often discount their prices before the buyer ever begins to negotiate. Why? (For more in pricing to value, visit the visionaries at VeraSage Institute, www.verasage.com).
Do what you promise. Along with innovation, design, and quality of product, Apple promises great service after the sale. They deliver. Team members are knowledgeable, helpful, and polite. My services were completed exactly when I was told they would be. Apple was always there when I needed help. In contrast, clients of professional knowledge workers complain regularly that their service providers charge high rates for inexperienced people and fail to do something as simple as return phone calls promptly. 
Make it easy to buy your services. Walk into an Apple store and you will see product samples beautifully displayed, ready to be test-driven. Sales people know every product inside and out. In the rare instance that they don’t, they have immediate access to a more experienced sales team member. Many clients (and perhaps employees)  of professional knowledge firms don’t even know what services their firms provide. Listing your services on your website is not enough. Be sure all of your team members are educated about every service so they can discuss them with clients. In-depth knowledge is not crucial, but certainly the ability to introduce a client to another professional in the firm is vital to growth.
Operate as a team. If there was competitiveness among Apple employees, I did not notice it, and I worked with several in the process of making my purchase. All team members had ready access to my information, which was entered into their database as I stood there. Every team member knew the history of my purchase and the service received to date. Equally important, they were openly helpful, friendly, and courteous -- not just to me, but to each other. They genuinely seemed happy to be working with each other and with Apple. 
Set up your customers for their next purchase from you. The only way to do this is by following the advice above. Nobody at Apple suggested that I buy an iPad, but there is no question that there’s one in my future. Why? Because Apple is Apple, and they do all the things noted here as a matter of course. So it’s perfectly logical that it’s a matter of when, not if, I buy a second product. 
Invest in thinking about the future, not just reacting to the present. Apple is the market leader in innovation and creativity because they spend time, money, and intellectual effort on it. Step away from your billable hour mindset and study your firm. Are your work processes working? Is your firm creating value for clients? Are you building long-term relationships, internally and externally? Are you preparing for  tomorrow’s challenges and opportunities? You can bet Apple is.

Aug 23, 2011

How to Escape a Mental Grist Mill


High achievers  tend to be very self-critical. The ability to analyze your own performance and re-tool as needed for better outcomes is valuable, of course. Yet there is a point of diminishing returns when you are simply putting yourself into a mental grist mill of self-criticism. That isn’t the best use of your energy. Here are a few ways to redirect your thoughts.
  1. Realize that whatever the issue is, it is very likely more negative in your own mind than in anyone else’s. The rest of the world spends far less time thinking about your performance than you do — probably because they’re thinking about their own.
  2. Spend less time thinking about what you didn’t do well and more time thinking about what you did masterfully. It is useful to look at things objectively, including less-than-stellar outcomes, but beyond a certain point of self-critique it makes more sense to think about what you have done well and figure out how to replicate that success.
  3. Understand that time is your friend. With time, you can gather data or simply let events unfold. Maybe you will hear other points of view about your work that are less critical and more balanced than yours. Maybe, with a little more time, your project will gel and be terrific. Be ambivalent about the future when it comes to judging yourself. You simply don’t know what is going to happen.
The most important advice I have for getting out of a mental grist mill is to listen to others. When your boss, colleague, employee, or client gives you a pat on the back, embrace it. Turn off your self-criticism for a few seconds. Learn from that moment. Remember what steps got you to this successful point. Enjoy the process and repeat it whenever you have the opportunity. 

Jul 27, 2011

Bliss Suckers

The title words were used by a friend of mine in describing a former employer. She said something like this: “That woman just sucks the bliss out of every happy moment. Doesn’t matter what it is. She has a way of seeing the negative in everything – and never fails to express it.”

It’s no surprise my friend moved on to happier pastures. Who wants to be around somebody like that? 

Here are the signs that you may be in the presence of a Bliss Sucker:

  • You ask them how they’re doing and are afraid they’ll answer
  • You find yourself going down a different hallway or hiding in the first available cubicle when you see them coming
  • You feel your energy drain into your feet when you have to spend any time around them

The most important thing to know about Bliss Suckers is that there is nothing you can do to change them. Nobody ever changes anyone else’s behavior (except possibly through short-term coercion). Real behavioral change always comes from within. Bliss Suckers are likely to keep doing what they do, because they’re benefitting from their behavior somehow. Could it be they are happy only when those around them absorb and spread their negativity?

Avoid these people when you can. When you can’t, express your own optimism as strongly as you know how, and refuse to let them steal your happiness. Then quickly go and find someone who can appreciate and share your upbeat view of things. It’s the only antidote I know of to Bliss Suckers. If you have other ideas, you are welcome to share them here.

Jul 14, 2011

A Whiff of Change

When you think about it, change is a bit like air: it’s everywhere, all the time, and sometimes it smells better than others. Although we often hear about managing change, that notion strikes me as unproductive.

The practical approach is to think about change in terms of how we respond to it, not how we manage it. This is more than a semantic difference.

Managing something implies we have a measure of control over it, which is not always possible. Economic downturns. Budget cuts. Business closures. It is rare for us to be in a position to control changes like these.

Responding, on the other hand, means intentionally choosing the words we use when thinking or talking about change. Words can be tools or weapons. What we say, both to ourselves and to others, is entirely our choice.
So when change comes your way (and it will), try to find words that offer a productive perspective. For example:

  • ·         We can do this.
  • ·         Who knows? Maybe there’s an opportunity here.
  • ·         We were smart and capable before this change, and we’re still smart and capable.

These are not just feel-good sentiments. They are powerful ways of constructing private thoughts and public conversations. In the face of change, well-chosen words can create a better outcome than we ever thought possible.

Jun 13, 2011

The Generations Speak

Last week I had the opportunity to facilitate a panel discussion on intergenerational communication. The panel was created by TAGLaw and TIAG, two related membership associations for law firms and CPA firms. The panel consisted of one member from each of the three dominant generations working today: Boomers, Gen X-ers, and Millennials.
Thanks to the panelists for an enlightening discussion: Norman Posner, CPA, managing partner of Samet CPAs in  Massachusetts; Brigid Heid, a partner in Carlile Patchen & Murphy law firm in Ohio; and Chuck Price, an associate with Haskell Slaughter law firm in Alabama. Each of them represented their respective generations with candor, clarity, and humor. Following are three suggestions that bubbled up from the conversation.
Relax. Members of all generations can reduce conflict and increase productivity just by taking a breath. Instead of reacting to a situation, respond to it. When you do not feel understood by a member of another generation or do not understand them, unclench your jaw and open your mind. As with all conflict, the answer to the problem generally lies somewhere in the middle of two reactions. So bend a little, breathe a lot, and ask questions before making declarative statements about how ridiculous the old people/young people are.
Accept. Millennials are changing the way the business world operates — for the better, in many ways. The wisdom, judgment, and experience of Boomers and Gen X-ers, when combined with the creativity and confidence of these new workers, can be a powerful force for productivity and progress.
Connect. If you want a more productive workplace with less inter-generational angst, initiate a connection with someone from a different generation. Seek out a mentor from a different generation. Spend time with people who don’t look like you, talk like you, or think like you. Ask questions. Listen. That’s how you learn the strengths of every individual and connect with them authentically. When you connect with individuals, you naturally remove whatever labels you may have been applying, generational or otherwise. Removing labels liberates everyone involved, reducing conflict, increasing productivity, and contributing to organizational happiness.
Relax, accept, and connect. The panelists really got it right on this. Sounds like good advice for life outside of work, too.

May 25, 2011

You First

A member of a leadership team told me something that sparked an insight. We were talking about the lack of discourse among the senior team members during meetings. Although the leader of the organization asked for and genuinely welcomed feedback and discussion, her team generally remained mute.

When I asked my colleague why, he said, “Well, I am reluctant to respond because I don’t trust everyone else at the table not to disparage me after the meeting. I don’t trust that they won’t talk about me or write nasty emails about something I said.”

I hear this frequently, and it’s a shame. I doubt it surprises any of you, either. But here is the good part that led to insight. I followed up his commentary with this question:  “Has anyone actually ever disparaged you after you said something in those meetings, as far as you know?” He paused for quite a while and said, “No, but I’ve seen it happen to others. I guess I’m just afraid it will happen to me.”

That’s fear. Fear of what hasn’t happened, except to someone else. The only productive response is to feel the fear and do it anyway.

If members of a team are ever going to trust each other, one brave person in addition to the group leader has to take the initial step. Of course, leaders need to reiterate the need for confidentiality. Then, one courageous soul has to speak his mind and ask the group to keep the conversation where it belongs – in the confines of  that meeting and nowhere else.

Everyone has to agree to and maintain this standard, or they really shouldn’t be there in the first place. Trust is built through shared experience. The more people participate in productive meetings that are treated confidentially, the more the participants will trust each other. But somebody has to get the ball rolling.

So go ahead. Feel the fear and do it anyway. You might be very pleasantly surprised at the results.

Apr 25, 2011

Think Again

Thoughtfulness may be the most valuable trait for any working person. While I wish I had learned that oh-so-many years ago, it’s a fairly recent insight. Perhaps like some of you, it remains a challenge.

First, definitions of “thoughtfulness” from the Oxford American Dictionary:
1. Engaged in or given to meditation.
2. Giving signs of serious thought.
3. Considerate; not haphazard or unfeeling.

Each definition is slightly different from the other, yet all are related. They all reflect a certain deliberateness of communication style, even when the communication is utterly internal. This deliberateness has grown in importance as our world has begun to move ever faster, with a concurrent decrease in kindness, both toward ourselves and each other.

How many times have you thought something like this: “Man, I am such a loser. I didn’t get everything done I was supposed to do today, and now that time is gone. Loser, loser, loser.” You can fill in your own personal reasons for feeling this way. The bottom line: once you label yourself something negative, you have diminished yourself. What a pity. What a waste.

How often have you behaved poorly toward a co-worker, client, or vendor because you haven’t thought through the consequences and implications of your behavior before doing it? This is precisely how most office (and maybe personal) misunderstandings begin. We don’t take the time to consider an alternative to the poor behavior we’re about to display. We diminish ourselves and, in this instance, others as well.

Lack of thoughtfulness is bad for business. Although we are moving at the speed of light these days, it makes sense to take a moment, to take a breath, to stop and think.

And then, perhaps, think again.

Mar 28, 2011

Closing the Distance in Three Simple Steps

Everyone has trouble with someone at work. Even you. Maybe it’s a less experienced team member. Maybe it’s a peer. Maybe it’s your boss. Whoever it is, you feel a distance, a wariness setting in toward this Other. Things used to be alright, but for whatever reason, they aren’t anymore. You don’t like the situation.

You are smart not to like it, and I hope you want to change it. Because whether a direct report, peer, or boss, it is in your best interests to regain a cordial working relationship. The Other affects your productivity and happiness. In some cases, the Other may also affect your monetary success and longevity in the organization.

Assuming you want the relationship to improve, it is vital to start with this understanding: nothing at all will change unless you make the first move. You are the only person you can control in the relationship. You have to initiate. Once you decide to do so, here are three essential steps to close the distance between you and the Other.

  1. First, don’t make a big deal about it. Just approach the Other casually. Say hi. Make eye contact. That’s enough for one interaction. 
  2. After that, get bolder. Engage the Other in a conversation. It can be about sports, work, or plans for the weekend. Keep it simple and short, then go about your business.
  3. Finally, take a deep breath. Ask the Other out for lunch or coffee. Don’t have an agenda. Just go. Listen, chat, laugh when you can. Get to know the Other better or differently than you have before.

Through these little steps, perhaps you and the Other will find common ground. You might even get the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings. At a minimum, though, you will know a little more about the Other than you did before.

Even if you discover you are unlikely to become best buddies, you will have defused some of the confusion and insecurity that existed in your mind. And you will surely be able to pat yourself on the back for making the effort.

Mar 21, 2011

Delay Gratification for Long-Term Success

A recent meeting with a plastic surgeon who is starting his own practice and an advertising representative reaffirmed what great relationship-builders do: They build trust and think long term.

When the surgeon described his patient relationships, he said “I spend more time talking people out of procedures than I ever do talking them into one.” He went on to say how committed he is to long-term, happy relationships with all of his patients.

Not long after, the sales rep began describing possible advertising packages to the doctor. She gently guided him away from the biggest and most expensive package, because she said “It just doesn’t make sense for you right now. Maybe after your business is booming, you’ll want to upgrade, but for now this smaller package meets your needs. I want you to feel comfortable knowing you made a decision that’s right for you.”

What? Did I just hear business people consciously walk away from money? Yes, yes I did.
Here’s why they did it, I think: As interested as the doctor is in having a strong practice, he knows instinctively that sometimes, a successful relationship means turning down business in the short term. While the advertising sales representative almost certainly would have loved a big contract by the end of the meeting, she knew that helping my client begin from a smaller, more practical point meant her contract with him would grow larger over time.

The surgeon and the sales rep focused on what was best for the “other” in their relationships, rather than on their own short-term needs. Is anyone going to be surprised when both are ultimately more successful than their peers over the long term? 

Mar 18, 2011

Chickens and Eggs

Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking with a managing partner of CPA firm. We were discussing communication among the three primary generations currently in the workplace (Boomer, Gen X and Millennial). He said several things that struck me:

“I try very hard to see the best in people.”
 “I’m one of the only Boomers in my firm, and I love being around younger people. They keep me fresh and their ideas intrigue me.”
 “We work really hard at our firm to get it right internally, because if we get it right internally, it’ll be right for our clients.”

Clearly, this man thinks differently. His words indicate that he’s optimistic, kind, and comfortable in his own skin. I imagine that he is consistently what the rest of us are only on our best days.

Here’s my chicken-and-egg question: did this guy become managing partner because he is consistently optimistic, kind, and comfortable in his skin? Or is he consistently all these things because he is the managing partner? Could it be some combination of the two?

What do you think? Take a look at your leaders. Compare your experiences with them to what I’ve described here. I hope all of you find scads of similarities. 

Mar 9, 2011

When Is As Important As What

When I ask managing partners and leaders of professional services firms about their biggest operational challenge, their answers are remarkably similar. Nearly all have to do with how to communicate with younger team members. Even though we’ve been dealing with Millennials in the workplace for several years now, the communication problems remain. The responsibility is bilateral.

One of my friends who leads a small CPA firm was bemoaning a recent hire: a bright young man who just can’t seem to get to work on time. When I asked the managing partner how he handled the issue, he said, “Well, I gave him a very harsh review at the end of the year.” “How’d he take it?”, I asked. “Not well. He seemed upset and confused, and yet still nothing has changed.”

What’s wrong with this picture?

The latest hire described above was angry and confused that he didn’t learn more quickly what he was doing wrong. As a Millennial, he expects rapid feedback, even when it’s negative. He has every right to that expectation, and he’s smart to want the feedback. Nothing is less useful than a critique offered several months after the fact.

If you are a Baby Boomer or Generation X-er, you might feel uncomfortable addressing specific issues such as tardiness, dress, and professionalism the moment they occur. It’s much easier, isn’t it, to fill out a standard evaluation form at the end of the year? The problem is, it’s useless, particularly to younger professionals. They want to know (and we all would do well to want to know) right away when things are going well or when they’re going poorly.

That doesn’t necessarily mean Millennials will handle your critique professionally or in a way that makes you comfortable, but this isn’t the point. Many Millennials absolutely need to improve their ability to take criticism; it’s a relatively new concept to them. Like the rest of us, they will learn that a well delivered and appropriately timed critique helps more than it hurts.

If your employees are driving you crazy, consider that you may be playing a part in that. If they aren’t living up to your expectations, tell them. Tell them immediately. Tell them why. And then help them to do better. That’s what leaders do.

Feb 8, 2011

Heads and Tails

The more I work with clients, the more I realize how often communication is misunderstood. Usually, we view it solely as the process of speaking and being heard; yet, we often forget the underlying elements that make communication effective. I am beginning see these elements as two sides of a coin. Heads, you’re talking; tails, you’re listening.
Honesty. It simply is impossible to work productively over the long term without the strong foundation that truthfulness provides. Be honest even when it’s not comfortable.
Heads – People rarely lose their integrity all at once; they do so interaction by interaction. So tell the truth as you understand it. Don’t sit on the sidelines of a meeting, offering nothing but sotto voce mumblings, only to play Monday morning quarterback afterward. That’s just not honest.
Tails –  Even when you don’t like hearing truth (and most of us often don’t), accepting it gracefully and gratefully makes you a stronger professional and allows valuable communication to occur. So swallow hard, take a deep breath, and accept someone else’s version of reality. Roll it around your mind a while before rendering judgment and responding.
Civility. This is easy when things are going smoothly, but conflict is part of life and business. That’s when things often go awry.
Heads - Express yourself skillfully and with kindness. Remember Ritz Carlton’s motto? “We are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen.” Old world? Maybe. Timeless and widely applicable? Yes.
Tails – Resist sulkiness, yelling, and various other adolescent expressions of incivility when people make decisions you don’t like, disagree with your ideas, or fail to live up to your expectations.
Clarity. The pace of business lends itself to convoluted communication. A bevy of tools only complicates things more.
Heads – Think before you speak or write. Don’t just dash off an email or verbally toss instructions to team members. Deliver specific information about deadlines, expectations, and consequences for not meeting them. Learn to ask for what you want, respectfully and clearly. It’s a skill that can only be honed with practice, and it is well worth the effort (more on this topic here). If you want to be heard by someone, be sure you’re choosing a time when he or she has the emotional and intellectual room to hear you.
Tails – Pay attention during your interactions with people. The greatest compliment you can pay people is to look them in the eye and acknowledge their presence. All good communication starts with being awake and aware in the moment.
Communication is a coin toss: it can either simplify things in your organization or muck them up entirely.  The beauty of it is that you get to decide, interaction by interaction, how you will respond, no matter which way the coin lands.

Jan 6, 2011

Ask For What You Want

This month marks my 20th anniversary of helping professionals improve their communications with clients and prospects, colleagues, and sometimes with themselves. Thousands of conversations with people just like you have taught me that even the most educated and experienced people have great difficulty asking for what they want.

Managers continue to run ineffective teams because they don’t know how to ask individuals in their group to do better. Employees gnaw at the cultural foundation with gossip and complaint because they don’t know how to ask for better treatment from co-workers. Leaders live in a constant state of irritation because they don’t know how to ask partners to participate in the business of the firm.

The results of not asking for what you want: unmet expectations, because they are unspoken; fractured relationships, because they are unclear from the outset; and broken trust because it is lost in consistently poor communication.

Nearly always, one of the two parties involved in miscommunication is utterly clueless as to any transgression or difficulty. This person simply had no idea he was hurting someone, or being unclear, or failing to adequately describe expectations. While he is in the dark about all this and going blithely about his day, the other party feels all kinds of negativity. Often, that negativity spills into other professional relationships. As office drama spins upward, productivity, camaraderie, and general happiness fall.

It doesn’t have to be this way. We all know the only person you can fully control is yourself; do that by asking for what you want. Take the initiative. Start the conversation only after your negative feelings (anger, embarrassment, hurt, etc.) have subsided. Ask him or her for some time when the two of you can talk. Describe your emotions surrounding something specific and relevant to the other person. Ask that person to work with you to improve the situation. If you need an apology, ask for it. If you need a change in behavior, ask for that, too. Be specific. Be as calm as you can. Make the communication or behavior the issue rather than the person.

Will you always get what you want? No. But in two decades of working in this arena, I know one thing for sure: you’ll never get it if you don’t ask.