Closing the Distance in Three Simple Steps

Everyone has trouble with someone at work. Even you. Maybe it’s a less experienced team member. Maybe it’s a peer. Maybe it’s your boss. Whoever it is, you feel a distance, a wariness setting in toward this Other. Things used to be alright, but for whatever reason, they aren’t anymore. You don’t like the situation.

You are smart not to like it, and I hope you want to change it. Because whether a direct report, peer, or boss, it is in your best interests to regain a cordial working relationship. The Other affects your productivity and happiness. In some cases, the Other may also affect your monetary success and longevity in the organization.

Assuming you want the relationship to improve, it is vital to start with this understanding: nothing at all will change unless you make the first move. You are the only person you can control in the relationship. You have to initiate. Once you decide to do so, here are three essential steps to close the distance between you and the Other.

1. First, don’t make a big deal about it. Just approach the Other casually. Say hi. Make eye contact. That’s enough for one interaction. 
2. After that, get bolder. Engage the Other in a conversation. It can be about sports, work, or plans for the weekend. Keep it simple and short, then go about your business.
3. Finally, take a deep breath. Ask the Other out for lunch or coffee. Don’t have an agenda. Just go. Listen, chat, laugh when you can. Get to know the Other better or differently than you have before.

Through these little steps, perhaps you and the Other will find common ground. You might even get the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings. At a minimum, though, you will know a little more about the Other than you did before.

Even if you discover you are unlikely to become best buddies, you will have defused some of the confusion and insecurity that existed in your mind. And you will surely be able to pat yourself on the back for making the effort.

Delay Gratification for Long-Term Success

A recent meeting with a plastic surgeon who is starting his own practice and an advertising representative reaffirmed what great relationship-builders do: They build trust and think long term.

When the surgeon described his patient relationships, he said “I spend more time talking people out of procedures than I ever do talking them into one.” He went on to say how committed he is to long-term, happy relationships with all of his patients.

Not long after, the sales rep began describing possible advertising packages to the doctor. She gently guided him away from the biggest and most expensive package, because she said “It just doesn’t make sense for you right now. Maybe after your business is booming, you’ll want to upgrade, but for now this smaller package meets your needs. I want you to feel comfortable knowing you made a decision that’s right for you.”

What? Did I just hear business people consciously walk away from money? Yes, yes I did.

Here’s why they did it, I think: As interested as the doctor is in having a strong practice, he knows instinctively that sometimes, a successful relationship means turning down business in the short term. While the advertising sales representative almost certainly would have loved a big contract by the end of the meeting, she knew that helping my client begin from a smaller, more practical point meant her contract with him would grow larger over time.

The surgeon and the sales rep focused on what was best for the “other” in their relationships, rather than on their own short-term needs. Is anyone going to be surprised when both are ultimately more successful than their peers over the long term? 

Chickens and Eggs

Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking with a managing partner of CPA firm. We were discussing communication among the three primary generations currently in the workplace (Boomer, Gen X and Millennial). He said several things that struck me:

“I try very hard to see the best in people.”

 “I’m one of the only Boomers in my firm, and I love being around younger people. They keep me fresh and their ideas intrigue me.”

 “We work really hard at our firm to get it right internally, because if we get it right internally, it’ll be right for our clients.”

Clearly, this man thinks differently. His words indicate that he’s optimistic, kind, and comfortable in his own skin. I imagine that he is consistently what the rest of us are only on our best days.

Here’s my chicken-and-egg question: did this guy become managing partner because he is consistently optimistic, kind, and comfortable in his skin? Or is he consistently all these things because he is the managing partner? Could it be some combination of the two?

What do you think? Take a look at your leaders. Compare your experiences with them to what I’ve described here. I hope all of you find scads of similarities. 

When Is As Important As What

When I ask managing partners and leaders of professional services firms about their biggest operational challenge, their answers are remarkably similar. Nearly all have to do with how to communicate with younger team members. Even though we’ve been dealing with Millennials in the workplace for several years now, the communication problems remain. The responsibility is bilateral.

One of my friends who leads a small CPA firm was bemoaning a recent hire: a bright young man who just can’t seem to get to work on time. When I asked the managing partner how he handled the issue, he said, “Well, I gave him a very harsh review at the end of the year.” “How’d he take it?”, I asked. “Not well. He seemed upset and confused, and yet still nothing has changed.”

What’s wrong with this picture?

The latest hire described above was angry and confused that he didn’t learn more quickly what he was doing wrong. As a Millennial, he expects rapid feedback, even when it’s negative. He has every right to that expectation, and he’s smart to want the feedback. Nothing is less useful than a critique offered several months after the fact.

If you are a Baby Boomer or Generation X-er, you might feel uncomfortable addressing specific issues such as tardiness, dress, and professionalism the moment they occur. It’s much easier, isn’t it, to fill out a standard evaluation form at the end of the year? The problem is, it’s useless, particularly to younger professionals. They want to know (and we all would do well to want to know) right away when things are going well or when they’re going poorly.

That doesn’t necessarily mean Millennials will handle your critique professionally or in a way that makes you comfortable, but this isn’t the point. Many Millennials absolutely need to improve their ability to take criticism; it’s a relatively new concept to them. Like the rest of us, they will learn that a well delivered and appropriately timed critique helps more than it hurts.

If your employees are driving you crazy, consider that you may be playing a part in that. If they aren’t living up to your expectations, tell them. Tell them immediately. Tell them why. And then help them to do better. That’s what leaders do.