Herding Virtual Cats

Face-to-face leadership is complex enough. Leading team members you don't see regularly, such as virtual workers or those in distant offices, bumps the complexity up a notch or two.

  

Our newest knowledge workers are pushing for the flexibility to fit work into their lives, rather than fitting their lives into their work. This cultural shift is changing the way we do business. 

Firms that adapt their mindset, communications and infrastructure accordingly will find greater success than those who cling to the old ways of management and leadership.

 

My colleague and friend, Michelle Golden, is the founder of Golden Practices and a highly regarded consultant to the professions. She and I published an article about virtual leadership in the November issue of Practice Management Forum.

Our article addresses the following questions:

• How do you create and sustain relationships with employees who are spread across the city, state, or country? 
• How do you measure their productivity and effectiveness?
• How do you ensure your firm’s strong culture becomes part of every individual employee, regardless of location?

You can learn the answers to these questions in the full article here.

Corral Your Conflict

All reasonable people agree that avoiding the muck in communication is best. However, when we find ourselves smack-dab in the muck, what do we do? What do we do when: 

• A co-worker sends you an email that sends you over the edge?
• Your manager makes a snarky remark about your work habits in a team meeting?
• A co-worker blows up at you for no apparent reason? 

There are any number of ways to handle these situations. Before I get to those, here are a couple of very important things NOT to do:

1. Don’t react when you are emotional. Think, then respond.
2. Don’t share the incident by telling your co-workers all about it. When you do that, you involve people who can’t solve your problem, you contribute to the gossip machine, and you burden others.
3. Don’t invest more energy in a particular conflict than it’s worth. Realize the difference between issues you need to address and those you can let go. Pick your battles, because conflict is a major energy drain. 

To corral your conflict, employ the flip side of the three points above:

1. Have the self discipline to handle the situation like an adult. Keep the conflict where it belongs: between you and That Certain Someone.
2. Take as long as you need to reach emotional balance, but deal with the issue as soon as you achieve that balance - if it truly warrants your attention.
3. Leave some room in your head and heart for understanding. Maybe the people in the scenarios described above were having an off day. If their behavior is out of the norm for them, you can choose to ignore it. If the transgression has become a pattern or was extreme in nature, then you must be brave and handle it. But it’s critical to be aware of the difference. 

While my bias is that most things need to be talked out, this isn’t true all the time. Over the years, I’ve learned that the sting of a negative encounter fades rather quickly when I allow it to. Giving that encounter more energy than it deserves takes away from the other terrific things happening around me, and that’s just a waste.

Perhaps the most important behavior in containing conflict is internal strength. Keeping anger, frustration, embarrassment and other negative emotions to yourself requires great strength. So does showing courage, compassion, and clarity when you find yourself stuck in the muck. 

All of this is simple, but not one bit of it is easy. This is when I realize how hard it is to be human.

Game-Changing Words

About a year ago, one of my friends was knee-deep in a very difficult client relationship. She had worked with this client for many years, during which time he had always been relatively unapproachable and untrusting. Sometimes he was rude and disrespectful. Always quick to find fault, he never showed his appreciation for her counsel, support, or expertise. Sound familiar?

The relationship had reached a low point, and my friend knew she did not want to continue working with this client under the current circumstances. So she decided to sit down and talk with him. She told him what she thought about their relationship and how it felt to work with him. As you can imagine, she put a lot of thought into how she would address the issue.

In spite of her effort, she wasn’t breaking through to her client, and she knew it. Finally, after an hour of this, she was exhausted, and simply said: “I just want you to know that I care about you. I care about your family. I care about your business.” That’s when the game changed. From that moment forward, the client became much more open, trusting, and positive. My friend and her client are on firm footing today, and their enhanced relationship is driving the business to new heights.

I’ve been wondering why the words “I care about you…” are so powerful. After all, every website, every ad, every brochure seems to tout how much “we care about our clients.” What’s different? The pronouns. “I care about you” speaks directly to the heart and mind of a single person. There is no mistaking the intent of this statement. 

“We care about our clients” is more abstract and distant; it’s really nothing more than a policy statement. Real relationships are built one person at a time, one conversation at a time. Therefore, it makes sense to move your language from the collective we to the singular I. Of course, delivering the message face-to-face is most effective.

Is it risky? Does it make you vulnerable to say something so personal? Do you risk your gruff old client scoffing at your statement? Maybe. But if it is the truth, say it. Your clients (and employees, by the way) need to hear directly from you how you feel about them. They need to know that you, individually, give a hoot about them and their well-being. When it’s your personal truth and not just a policy, nothing else comes close.

Avoiding the Muck

Consider these scenarios:

A. You’re deep in conversation about an important matter with a colleague when someone higher on the org chart than you are steps in and begins discussing something else entirely. You are annoyed at the intrusion but enjoy your paycheck. What do you do?

B. You’re up to your neck in deadlines when your very best employee sticks her head around the corner of your cubicle and says, “Got a minute?” You don’t. What do you do?

C. Your projects are piling up, but your bosses love you so much they want to put you on the company’s Fun Committee. You would rather stick pins in your eye. What do you do?

These are three examples of how you can easily step into professional muck. All of them are tests of your boundaries and the communication skills you have to navigate your way around the muck. 

Here are four rules of thumb for situations when your boundaries are tested and, occasionally, crossed:

1. Think bigger than the moment. Remember that when people cross your boundaries, they usually do so out of ignorance. Often, they really aren’t thinking about you; they are focused on their own immediate needs. Also remember that some of these people can affect your success at the company, so think long-term when you approach the muck.
2. Be honest (but remember #1). Many people are afraid to do this. They allow constant interruptions to the discipline of their day, they don’t tell others what they need, and, consequently, they feel victimized by intrusions on their time. This is a major cause of unhappiness at work.
3. Clarify and schedule. Determine what, precisely, the other party wants from you. Be sure you both understand it. Decide whether now is the best time to respond to their needs. If you can’t do it in that moment, determine when you can, and let them know when they will be at the top of your to-do list.
4. Respond to uncivilized behavior with civility. Only a tiny minority of people are truly impossible to get along with. Most are trying to get through their day, meet their obligations, and do a decent job — just like you. They simply may not remember the good manners their mother taught them. But you can.

Now, using these four rules of thumb, here are possible responses to the boundary pushers exemplified above. 

A. In response to the higher-up in our first example, you can stop  your conversation with your colleague, but only long enough to look the interrupter in the eye, smile, and say, “Bill and I are just about to wrap up our conversation on this project. Would it be ok if I came by your office in ten minutes?” Phrasing it as though you are asking permission softens the blow that you’re not responding to the interrupter’s needs instantly. It also conveys respect. Giving a time frame like ten minutes lets your higher-up know exactly when his needs will be attended to.

B. Your employee who needs you is important to your success and your company’s, because she’s “your very best employee.” Think carefully about your response, given your deadlines. First, stop what you’re doing. Second, look at her: she needs your acknowledgement. Third, in a calm voice, say, “I’m bumping up against several deadlines. I can spare five minutes for you, though. Will that be enough time to help you?” Then listen to her answer. If you can solve the problem in five, great. Do it. But hold  yourself and your employee to five minutes. At the end of that time, close the discussion. If it’s going to take longer, agree to a day and time when you can both meet.

C. Ah, the Fun Committee. Mandatory fun really isn’t, but plenty of companies haven’t yet gotten the word about that. However, if you think being on the committee would give you some exposure to others in your company who you normally don’t get to work with and might enjoy, then by all means sign up. But if there isn’t a really good reason to  join, you’re well within your boundaries to say no. Try this: “That’s a good committee, but it’s not a great fit for me. I would be unlikely to contribute much of value. But I’m really excited about some ideas I have to keep employee turnover low. How about if I serve on the Recruiting Committee?”

In the process of avoiding muck and setting your boundaries, do your best to be gracious. It’s important from the standpoint of civility. It also matters because someday, without a doubt, you will need the grace of others. 

Three Must-Ask Questions for Prospective Leaders

Think of the last person you hired to fill a mid-level or senior position. When you interviewed them, surely their resumes were carefully studied, their technical abilities, scholarly achievements and, perhaps, books of business were discussed. But what did you learn about them as leaders? Very likely nothing. Overlooking this critical component of managerial and leadership-level positions leads to lost productivity and plenty of employee problems down the road.

At a certain level, technical skills and academic or licensing achievements are table stakes, so don’t waste too much time reviewing them, or listening to the prospect crow about them. What you really want to know is how a person will lead, how they will build relationships with others, how they will guide, persuade, communicate, decide, and execute. 

While typical interviews are almost unimaginably inauthentic, you can at least try to uncover aspects of a prospect’s leadership style as part of the process. You can do it by asking the following three questions:

1. How do you describe your leadership style?
2. How do you handle conflict?
3. What would you do in the following scenario? (Then present the prospect with a real-life case study from your own experience. Listen carefully to how the prospect puzzles through a solution.)

There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. The idea is to engage the prospect in conversation about behavioral issues such as leadership and conflict to determine whether they fit with your organization’s culture. If you assess that the answers are not a fit with your culture on Interview Day, it’s a darn good bet the prospect will not be a good fit with your company on any other day.

Lay That Skunk on the Table

Miscommunication is the source of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding is often the source of conflict. Seems to me we can reduce conflict by improving communication. 

As one of my southern New Mexico clients says, you have to lay the skunk on the table. When you are dealing with conflict, you have to examine the hard question (the skunk). You have to know and discuss in very precise terms the root of the issue. When I am asked by clients to neutralize conflict, I often find that people don’t even know exactly what they’re fighting about. It is nearly always a misunderstanding of a behavior, event or conversation that is interpreted differently by the parties involved.

I used to work for a man who, as the managing partner, was frequently faced with the necessity of difficult conversations. He would relay to me that he had a difficult-yet-productive conversation with a particular person and would almost invariably say, “I think he knows where he stands now. He’s going to do better. Just wait and see.” Not long thereafter, the other person in the conversation would come to see me. He would tell me what a delightful talk he just had with the managing partner, and how great it was to visit with him, with no recollection of any difficult issues. 

When it comes to difficult conversations, I think we sound much tougher in our own heads than we do to the people to whom we are speaking. We think we’re being very clear in voicing our expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. We assume we’re getting through because the other person is nodding his head as we speak. That’s just not correct. 

We’re not getting through because there’s a skunk in the room and we’re avoiding it. That skunk might be poor performance. It might be mediocre management. It could be lousy leadership. Whatever it is, we’re letting that skunk just wander around the room while we both pretend it isn’t there.

When I ask colleagues why this happens, they tell me they just don’t want to deal with conflict, and they believe laying the skunk on the table will lead to exactly that. As a lawyer friend of mine so aptly put it, “Oh, Melinda. Conflict. It’s just so unpleasant.”

True enough, I suppose. But aren’t the ongoing misunderstandings and related ill will, gossip, and reduced productivity ultimately far more unpleasant?

If you decide to lay the skunk on the table, remember to do three things:

1. Make the problem the problem. Deal with specific issues clearly. Favor respectful-but-direct communication over anyone’s temporary discomfort, especially your own.
2. Summon your courage. Take a deep breath before you begin. In advance, think about the words you want to use. 
3. Make the encounter a conversation, not a lecture or attack. Communication is two-way. Say what is on your mind. Be specific, clear, and open. Then, encourage the other person’s participation. Ask her, “What is your view of this issue? How do you see it?”. Discuss. Push through. 

If you truly want to work through a problem, don’t play a part in the communication charade, as so many people do. Stop watching the skunk run all over the room. Catch it and lay it on the table. Only in doing so will you begin to remove the odor from the room. 

How to Get What You Need From Employees

Clients regularly ask me why they can’t get employees to meet deadlines, produce great (or even good) work, and provide value to customers. There is rarely a simple answer, but I can come close to one: lack of clarity when giving instructions and expressing expectations. Here are a few tips to help you get what you need:

Ban ASAP. Give clear time frames for everything. When, specifically, do you need work completed and on your desk? What day? What time? Asking anyone to do anything “as soon as possible” obliterates clarity. If something is truly an emergency, say so and explain why. Only by explaining the circumstances do you have a right to blow up someone else’s schedule.

Forget annual reviews. Move to real-time analysis. Review performance with your team member immediately after she’s done something you can evaluate. Be clear about what the team member did well and where she needs to improve. Stop worrying about delivering harsh news. Deliver clear information instead. Your team member might feel the sting, but smart, ambitious employees will take your information to heart and apply it to their next effort.

When someone messes up, deal with it promptly.  You don’t have the luxury of being emotional about whatever occurred, so be sure you are calm and collected. Remember, though, that in dealing with behavioral problems, sooner is better than later. Tell the team member how you perceive the problem, what he needs to do to fix the problem, and by when. Tell him the consequences if he doesn’t fix the problem. Be specific about the seriousness of the error. Is this a firing offense? Will it slow the team member’s career progress? Will he find himself isolated if he continues doing things the same way? 

Clear communication requires disciplined thought and skillful execution. It requires you to understand why you are communicating something in the first place and how best to do it. And it very often requires courage. All of this is difficult, but it sure beats the alternative.

Six Minutes on Motivation

One of the best things about my work is that I get to associate with really smart people, which is precisely what I did at the Verasage Institute's conference on pricing for professionals in Las Vegas. 

The last morning of the conference, Verasage guru Ron Baker invited/challenged me to do a six-minute talk on the topic of my choice. I turned him down at first, and had plenty of excuses. "I'm not prepared." "I'm dressed for traveling, not speaking."  "I'm not tall enough." Yes, I actually thought that. What it came down to, of course, was the fear of looking ridiculous.

Finally, though, my desire to be heard overcame my fear. Here is the result: six minutes on the true nature of motivation. I hope you enjoy it and find it useful.  

The next time somebody offers you an opportunity, maybe you'll remember this video and be motivated to scare yourself just a little. 

Nobody Wants to Be the Bad Guy

Recently, I presented a session on mentoring to a group of CPA firm leaders, all of whom were women. During our discussion, the issue of a lack of honest communication between mentor and protege arose. To a person, these partners and soon-to-be partners agreed that mentor programs do not come close to reaching their full potential because the mentors (in other words, the women in that room) do not speak forthrightly to their proteges. When I asked why, they said, “Because nobody wants to be the bad guy.” 

I can think of few greater wastes of time than a meaningless mentoring program. It does such a disservice to a young person’s future when we are unclear in our discussions about their path, performance, or plans. Such fuzzy communication doesn’t do our own integrity any favors, either.

As mentors and leaders, we must commit to practicing Melinda’s Four Cs of Communication: 

• Consistency
• Clarity
• Civility
• Courage

Pay attention to that last word, courage. It means fighting the slightly sick feeling in our stomachs when we have to deliver less-than-cheery assessments. It means encountering, and maybe causing,  a measure of pain in another person. It means dealing with emotions — your own and someone else’s. 

However, these challenges are only temporary. They are far outweighed by the increase in trust and meaning between you and your protege. If you think in terms of creating an artful stew of constructive advice with kindness and clarity at the root of your intent, you can change lives.  

Whatever a “bad guy” is, it simply cannot be someone who truly wants to help another person succeed. Keep that in mind the next time you are mentoring. Let go of your fear. You and your protege will be better for the effort.

Three Easy Ways to Communicate Better

No matter how many conversations I have with business people, when I ask them what the biggest issue is for their organizations, the answer is almost always the same: communication. Part of me breathes a sigh of relief, because improving communication is what I do for a living. But part of me thinks, Man, this stuff is so simple. Why aren’t people better at it?

 Solid, reliable, simple communication really comes down to three things:

1. Use your face, not your fingers. Email, texting, and other forms of written electronic communication are killing communication. I can’t tell you how many clients I deal with who tell me about the hurt feelings, squabbles, and escalated tension that occur as a result of poorly written and poorly understood emails. If business owners were to translate this into dollars, there would almost certainly be an increase in executive heart attacks. The solution is simple: get out from behind your keyboard and go lay your eyes on people. Have a real conversation. And don’t use distance as an excuse. That’s why telephones, Skype and Facetime exist. It’s not the same as real human contact, but it’s a heck of a lot better than an email.
2. Don’t say or write mean things about anybody, anywhere, anytime. It’s both wrong and stupid. Your mother taught you better. Follow her advice. Even hard truths can be discussed in a way that strips them of meanness. It takes skill, practice, and discipline, but it’s worth it.
3. .Show up as yourself. It’s very odd to watch someone morph into another personality when he feels he has to be lawyer-y or academic or or leader-y. It’s as though he becomes a different person, and it’s obvious to everyone but him. It’s inauthentic behavior, and people know it when they see it. Just be your normal self all the time. And by that I mean your best normal, not your cranky, demanding, narcissistic normal. Be comfortable in your own (best) skin.

Now that I think about it, maybe this is a good way to increase happiness, too. 

Choosing Your Response to Negativity

Last week presented me with a terrific learning experience. I spent the day teaching a workshop to a department of a large organization. Like the organization itself, this department has faced several years of budget cuts, all the while serving an increasingly large population. This, of course, translates into doing more with fewer resources. As a result, the team was greatly fatigued, and their coping strategies had negatively affected their internal communication. 

The workshop went well, with plenty of lively discussion, creativity, some disagreement here and there, and lots of good energy. By the end of our time together, the team had developed a framework that defined how they will treat each other going forward. They were upbeat and energized, ready to implement the new standards they had set for themselves.

Except one person, who we’ll call Mildred. Mildred made a special effort to pull me aside at the end of the session. In my ear, Mildred whispered, “Nothing you have done today will make a difference. Nothing will change here.” As I recount this, I can actually recall the hiss in her voice. She seemed absolutely delighted to relay her assessment of the day to me.

My initial response was disappointment in myself that I had failed to reach Mildred’s mind or heart. As I saw it, my skills were not a match for her attitude. But after a few days of thinking about it, I understand her a little better and have a more productive response than disappointment. I hope my insights will help you the next time you encounter someone else’s fear or negativity.

1. It’s probably not about you or your skill. Mildred was afraid, and through her negative message to me, she was expressing her fear. Maybe she’s afraid of change, maybe she’s afraid of kindness (a big topic at our session), maybe she’s afraid of losing influence within her team. I don’t know for sure. But I do know that in talking to me, she was expressing her fear far more than she was assessing the workshop or my ability.
2. Let the majority rule your mind. When you receive a negative response to an idea, remember to consider what others have said about that idea. At the end of my session, the vast majority of attendees were energized, optimistic, and ready to face the future as a team. They expressed gratitude to me, both individually and as a group. It was only Mildred who sought me out specifically to share her negative view. When this happens to you, it’s crucial to keep in mind the positive responses of others.
3. Be flexible about the future; let others remain fixed if they so choose. Mildred had already decided what the future would be, and so it’s likely she will create that scenario for herself. My hope is that the new-found energy and optimism of her colleagues will override her negativity, but I simply don’t know. I choose to view the future positively; it’s fine if all you can conjure up is neutrality. However, I have no doubt at all that holding a negative perspective on the future makes it far more likely that negative outcomes will occur.

I feel truly lucky to have met Mildred, because she gave me the opportunity to test my own outlook and to share my insights with you. I suppose the biggest insight, then is that even in experiencing someone’s negativity up-close-and-personal, there’s plenty of room for gratitude and optimism.

Lessons from Goldman Sachs: The Corporate Culture Disconnect

Goldman Sachs got a black eye this week when Greg Smith, a mid-level executive at the brokerage firm not only resigned, but published an op-ed piece in the New York Times outlining his reasons for leaving. Mr. Smith cited Goldman Sachs’s culture of greed and utter disregard for the best interests of its clients. 

Not surprisingly, this very public display of dissatisfaction has generated plenty of discussion about corporate culture on Wall Street. I hope it also has the effect of generating discussion within your firms about your corporate culture. After all, it’s better -- and less costly -- to learn from someone else’s mistakes.

Here are a few ways to avoid the cultural disconnect that appears to exist at Goldman:

1. Don’t believe your own hype. Every organization I’m aware of boasts about its corporate culture on its website, at seminars, in recruiting collaterals, everywhere. All too often, the words are taken as gospel, with no regard for how individual behaviors actually create or destroy a culture. Look at your firm culture with a critical eye. If you and yours can’t do it objectively, hire an outsider to do it for you. Whatever you do, don’t assume that because it is written, it is true.
2. Check in regularly with those who create and sustain your culture: your team members. Use every method at your disposal, from dashboard “high satisfaction day” inputs to surveys to a casual conversation over a cup of coffee. Do this more than you think you have time for and would enjoy. You may discover valuable information that’ll make it worth your effort.
3. Treat your clients and team members with respect. No exceptions. When you are cordial to a client on the telephone, only to hang up and have a hissy fit about that stupid, entitled #!?*-ing client, you’re sending a very confusing message to those who work with you. You’re also taking the risk that the client will hear about it on Twitter, Facebook, or some other way -- within minutes.

Most important, do the right things for the right reasons. Speak well of everyone when you can. When you can’t, take the opportunity to be silent. When you must communicate something negative, do so with skill and kindness. That’s how really great cultures are built.

Falling Down the Should-Hole: Part 2

In the last post I mentioned Albert Ellis, the psychotherapist who was known for his disdain for “shoulding.” I talked about shoulding on others in that post. Now, we need to talk about shoulding on yourself, as in:

• “I should be making more money.”
• “I shouldn’t have said that to my boss.”
• “I should have handled my employee better than I did.”

Shoulding on yourself is as unproductive as shoulding on others. It’s a waste of time and energy, because you give yourself no alternative to the should. There’s nothing proactive or well thought-out about “should.” It just sits there in your mind, judgmental and incomplete. Useless.

But if you simply must should on yourself, and we all do from time to time, I recommend simply extending the conversation beyond your initial statement. For example, instead of just saying, “I should be making more money,” take the conversation in your head farther. “Really? What makes me think I should be making more money, especially in this economy? Has anyone else been making a ton of money lately? How is my situation different from all these other people?”  

Answering these questions allows you to gather important data, which allows you to make informed decisions and act on them. If you’re anything like I am, the question-and-answer process will relieve you of a bunch of negative self-talk about whatever challenge you’re facing. When you stop should-ing on yourself, you get more clarity. And that’s how you find a path leading out of the should-hole and toward positive change.

Falling Down the Should Hole - Part 1

Psychotherapist and psychologist Albert Ellis developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in the 1950s. According to Wikipedia, the method “focuses on resolving emotion and behavioral problems and disturbances and enabling people to lead happier and more fulfilling lives.” Always blunt, Dr. Ellis was known to declare that “should-hood leads to sh**-hood.” If you’ve been in business for more than a week, you have probably fallen victim to shoulding, whether on yourself or someone else. In this post, we’ll talk about shoulding on others.

1. “He should have gotten that spreadsheet to me last week. This project is going to fail if he doesn’t get it done.”
2. “She should have returned my call by now. What the heck is wrong with her?”
3. “They should have paid me by  now. That invoice went out two months ago. No! Not another deadbeat client!”

When you say things like this, you do three useless things: 1) you sit in judgment of another’s activities without knowing their side of the issue 2) you give up control over the situation, and 3) you carry some level of grudge.

Instead of deciding what someone should or shouldn’t have said or done, it’s much more useful to ask questions, respond, and act.

In Should #1 above: Contact the should-ee and find out what’s happening. Tell him the dire consequences of not meeting the deadline. Ask if he will get it to you by a specific time and date. If you don’t trust him, either give the job to someone else or have a backup plan in case he doesn’t get it done.

In Should #2: If someone hasn’t returned your call, pick up the phone and call again. Tell them this is your second message. Send an email with the same information. If your issue is important enough, or if they’re in your building, go see them. Stop waiting. Start doing.

In Should #3: Get on the phone. Remind them about the bill. Find out the status. Offer to come and pick up the check. There are plenty of other options for this one, but the key is to initiate the process.

The common thread in all this should-ing is acquiescence, and it’s a poor way to communicate. Falling down the should-hole is both unpleasant and unnecessary. It is far better to take control of your business, your relationships, and your communication by leaving should behind.

How Not to Hate New Stuff

I’m certain there are people who get absolutely giddy when presented with a new technological challenge. I’m not one of them. 

Last week I took on a slew of technology challenges, including a new and NOT intuitive database (are they ever intuitive?), a new iPod, a new phone, and new productivity software. There were other hurdles, too, but to list any more would just be whining.

As a result of my hellish week, I had an insight that might be useful to you. Here it is: new stuff brings with it six stages of emotion. We tell ourselves specific stories at each stage. Here are mine.

Stage 1: Fear. “I just don’t feel like dealing with this today. I’ll do it tomorrow.” Of course, I reached the point where I had to deal with it, afraid or not.

Stage 2: Frustration. “I hate this thing. I’m never going to learn it. What was I thinking?” Pouting and swearing ensue.

Stage 3: Resignation. “OK, you’ve got to get hold of this. You have to learn this stuff, so you might as well stop delaying, complaining, and stomping around. Trudge on.” At this point, most of the negative emotion gave up and moved out. It’s here that I was able to start learning, because I had gotten out of my own way.

Stage 4: Mild interest. “Oh, hey, look! I did it! I figured out how to do that thing I couldn’t figure out yesterday. Cool!” Now, I was getting somewhere, picking up speed, learning more, learning faster. A few small successes gave me the mental energy to keep going, to try to learn one more new thing. 

Stage 5: Curiosity. “Hmmm. I wonder if I can do this.” That’s where I am this week, feeling just confident enough to poke around and see what I can do with these new technological wonders. 

Stage 6: Confidence. I have no idea what thoughts fill this stage, because I'm not there yet. But I can feel myself reaching it, little by little. 

The trick, I think, is to recognize the stage you’re in as you’re moving through it. If you know you’re in a certain stage, you know there’s another stage coming right after it. Just keep pressing forward, secure in the knowledge that learning is a process, that the unknown becomes the known, that new eventually becomes old. Ultimately, you will experience that sense of satisfaction that comes from meeting --- and maybe even mastering -- a new challenge.

Like my business card says, You can do this.

Balance vs. Alignment in Leadership Teams

Balance is good in ballet and ice skating. But in leadership teams, I think alignment is the more useful goal.

It is understandable to think in terms of balancing leadership teams so one person’s strengths mitigate another’s weaknesses -- perhaps even your own. The result is often a mixed brew of personalities with varying levels of communication skills and behavioral styles. This can be confusing for team members. A useful alternative is alignment, where leaders share values, demonstrate similar behaviors and communicate the same messages.

Some leadership teams are pretty good at creating aspirational statements about how they want their organizations to operate. Living out those statements is where the need for an alignment of communication skills and behavioral styles rests. 

For example, let’s say that respect and dignity for everyone at your firm is a core value. If you have leaders who do not understand specifically how respect and dignity are communicated, and what that behavior looks like, it is all too easy for them to misinterpret. Things get even stickier if members of your leadership team simply disagree with the group’s decision to make respect and dignity party of the firm’s culture and simply choose to ignore it. The result: the entire leadership team, and perhaps the organization itself, loses credibility.

Here are a few ways to align leaders:

1. Decide specifically what communication skills and behavioral styles your leaders need to exhibit. Get them help if they need it. Make their communication and behavior a very important part of their continuing success, including evaluations, salary increases, and opportunities to advance. 
2. Have more fierce conversations at the leadership level. Leaders need to participate actively Inside the boardroom, sharing their thoughts without fear of retaliation and judgment. Read Susan Scott’s outstanding book, Fierce Conversations, to learn more.
3. When the leadership team reaches a decision, present a united front. Every participant needs to send the same message with the same information. 
4. When a member of your leadership team consistently demonstrates that he is not aligned with the values or cannot demonstrate them effectively, act decisively. Do not waste time. Get him out of the leadership position, or out of your organization entirely. Whatever value he adds technically cannot begin to equal the damage he does to your organization’s culture.
5. Finally, hire and interview more intuitively. When you are filling a leadership position, listen to your instincts closely. Your gut knows whether a candidate either  already possesses the communication and behavioral skills you want, or is capable of learning them. Listen to your gut. Most people who reach the interview level will have the requisite education and experience. Spend more time and effort with candidates determining how they solve problems, how they work in teams, and how well they tell their stories. These things will help you know who they really are. And as Maya Angelou so wisely said, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”

Business is becoming more complex. It’s also more stressful than ever. You feel the pressure, and so do your employees. Consistent communication and behavior at the leadership level will lighten everyone’s burden.