Lay That Skunk on the Table

Miscommunication is the source of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding is often the source of conflict. Seems to me we can reduce conflict by improving communication. 

As one of my southern New Mexico clients says, you have to lay the skunk on the table. When you are dealing with conflict, you have to examine the hard question (the skunk). You have to know and discuss in very precise terms the root of the issue. When I am asked by clients to neutralize conflict, I often find that people don’t even know exactly what they’re fighting about. It is nearly always a misunderstanding of a behavior, event or conversation that is interpreted differently by the parties involved.

I used to work for a man who, as the managing partner, was frequently faced with the necessity of difficult conversations. He would relay to me that he had a difficult-yet-productive conversation with a particular person and would almost invariably say, “I think he knows where he stands now. He’s going to do better. Just wait and see.” Not long thereafter, the other person in the conversation would come to see me. He would tell me what a delightful talk he just had with the managing partner, and how great it was to visit with him, with no recollection of any difficult issues. 

When it comes to difficult conversations, I think we sound much tougher in our own heads than we do to the people to whom we are speaking. We think we’re being very clear in voicing our expectations and the consequences of not meeting those expectations. We assume we’re getting through because the other person is nodding his head as we speak. That’s just not correct. 

We’re not getting through because there’s a skunk in the room and we’re avoiding it. That skunk might be poor performance. It might be mediocre management. It could be lousy leadership. Whatever it is, we’re letting that skunk just wander around the room while we both pretend it isn’t there.

When I ask colleagues why this happens, they tell me they just don’t want to deal with conflict, and they believe laying the skunk on the table will lead to exactly that. As a lawyer friend of mine so aptly put it, “Oh, Melinda. Conflict. It’s just so unpleasant.”

True enough, I suppose. But aren’t the ongoing misunderstandings and related ill will, gossip, and reduced productivity ultimately far more unpleasant?

If you decide to lay the skunk on the table, remember to do three things:

1. Make the problem the problem. Deal with specific issues clearly. Favor respectful-but-direct communication over anyone’s temporary discomfort, especially your own.
2. Summon your courage. Take a deep breath before you begin. In advance, think about the words you want to use. 
3. Make the encounter a conversation, not a lecture or attack. Communication is two-way. Say what is on your mind. Be specific, clear, and open. Then, encourage the other person’s participation. Ask her, “What is your view of this issue? How do you see it?”. Discuss. Push through. 

If you truly want to work through a problem, don’t play a part in the communication charade, as so many people do. Stop watching the skunk run all over the room. Catch it and lay it on the table. Only in doing so will you begin to remove the odor from the room.