Falling Down the Should-Hole: Part 2

In the last post I mentioned Albert Ellis, the psychotherapist who was known for his disdain for “shoulding.” I talked about shoulding on others in that post. Now, we need to talk about shoulding on yourself, as in:

• “I should be making more money.”
• “I shouldn’t have said that to my boss.”
• “I should have handled my employee better than I did.”

Shoulding on yourself is as unproductive as shoulding on others. It’s a waste of time and energy, because you give yourself no alternative to the should. There’s nothing proactive or well thought-out about “should.” It just sits there in your mind, judgmental and incomplete. Useless.

But if you simply must should on yourself, and we all do from time to time, I recommend simply extending the conversation beyond your initial statement. For example, instead of just saying, “I should be making more money,” take the conversation in your head farther. “Really? What makes me think I should be making more money, especially in this economy? Has anyone else been making a ton of money lately? How is my situation different from all these other people?”  

Answering these questions allows you to gather important data, which allows you to make informed decisions and act on them. If you’re anything like I am, the question-and-answer process will relieve you of a bunch of negative self-talk about whatever challenge you’re facing. When you stop should-ing on yourself, you get more clarity. And that’s how you find a path leading out of the should-hole and toward positive change.

Falling Down the Should Hole - Part 1

Psychotherapist and psychologist Albert Ellis developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in the 1950s. According to Wikipedia, the method “focuses on resolving emotion and behavioral problems and disturbances and enabling people to lead happier and more fulfilling lives.” Always blunt, Dr. Ellis was known to declare that “should-hood leads to sh**-hood.” If you’ve been in business for more than a week, you have probably fallen victim to shoulding, whether on yourself or someone else. In this post, we’ll talk about shoulding on others.

1. “He should have gotten that spreadsheet to me last week. This project is going to fail if he doesn’t get it done.”
2. “She should have returned my call by now. What the heck is wrong with her?”
3. “They should have paid me by  now. That invoice went out two months ago. No! Not another deadbeat client!”

When you say things like this, you do three useless things: 1) you sit in judgment of another’s activities without knowing their side of the issue 2) you give up control over the situation, and 3) you carry some level of grudge.

Instead of deciding what someone should or shouldn’t have said or done, it’s much more useful to ask questions, respond, and act.

In Should #1 above: Contact the should-ee and find out what’s happening. Tell him the dire consequences of not meeting the deadline. Ask if he will get it to you by a specific time and date. If you don’t trust him, either give the job to someone else or have a backup plan in case he doesn’t get it done.

In Should #2: If someone hasn’t returned your call, pick up the phone and call again. Tell them this is your second message. Send an email with the same information. If your issue is important enough, or if they’re in your building, go see them. Stop waiting. Start doing.

In Should #3: Get on the phone. Remind them about the bill. Find out the status. Offer to come and pick up the check. There are plenty of other options for this one, but the key is to initiate the process.

The common thread in all this should-ing is acquiescence, and it’s a poor way to communicate. Falling down the should-hole is both unpleasant and unnecessary. It is far better to take control of your business, your relationships, and your communication by leaving should behind.

How Not to Hate New Stuff

I’m certain there are people who get absolutely giddy when presented with a new technological challenge. I’m not one of them. 

Last week I took on a slew of technology challenges, including a new and NOT intuitive database (are they ever intuitive?), a new iPod, a new phone, and new productivity software. There were other hurdles, too, but to list any more would just be whining.

As a result of my hellish week, I had an insight that might be useful to you. Here it is: new stuff brings with it six stages of emotion. We tell ourselves specific stories at each stage. Here are mine.

Stage 1: Fear. “I just don’t feel like dealing with this today. I’ll do it tomorrow.” Of course, I reached the point where I had to deal with it, afraid or not.

Stage 2: Frustration. “I hate this thing. I’m never going to learn it. What was I thinking?” Pouting and swearing ensue.

Stage 3: Resignation. “OK, you’ve got to get hold of this. You have to learn this stuff, so you might as well stop delaying, complaining, and stomping around. Trudge on.” At this point, most of the negative emotion gave up and moved out. It’s here that I was able to start learning, because I had gotten out of my own way.

Stage 4: Mild interest. “Oh, hey, look! I did it! I figured out how to do that thing I couldn’t figure out yesterday. Cool!” Now, I was getting somewhere, picking up speed, learning more, learning faster. A few small successes gave me the mental energy to keep going, to try to learn one more new thing. 

Stage 5: Curiosity. “Hmmm. I wonder if I can do this.” That’s where I am this week, feeling just confident enough to poke around and see what I can do with these new technological wonders. 

Stage 6: Confidence. I have no idea what thoughts fill this stage, because I'm not there yet. But I can feel myself reaching it, little by little. 

The trick, I think, is to recognize the stage you’re in as you’re moving through it. If you know you’re in a certain stage, you know there’s another stage coming right after it. Just keep pressing forward, secure in the knowledge that learning is a process, that the unknown becomes the known, that new eventually becomes old. Ultimately, you will experience that sense of satisfaction that comes from meeting --- and maybe even mastering -- a new challenge.

Like my business card says, You can do this.

Balance vs. Alignment in Leadership Teams

Balance is good in ballet and ice skating. But in leadership teams, I think alignment is the more useful goal.

It is understandable to think in terms of balancing leadership teams so one person’s strengths mitigate another’s weaknesses -- perhaps even your own. The result is often a mixed brew of personalities with varying levels of communication skills and behavioral styles. This can be confusing for team members. A useful alternative is alignment, where leaders share values, demonstrate similar behaviors and communicate the same messages.

Some leadership teams are pretty good at creating aspirational statements about how they want their organizations to operate. Living out those statements is where the need for an alignment of communication skills and behavioral styles rests. 

For example, let’s say that respect and dignity for everyone at your firm is a core value. If you have leaders who do not understand specifically how respect and dignity are communicated, and what that behavior looks like, it is all too easy for them to misinterpret. Things get even stickier if members of your leadership team simply disagree with the group’s decision to make respect and dignity party of the firm’s culture and simply choose to ignore it. The result: the entire leadership team, and perhaps the organization itself, loses credibility.

Here are a few ways to align leaders:

1. Decide specifically what communication skills and behavioral styles your leaders need to exhibit. Get them help if they need it. Make their communication and behavior a very important part of their continuing success, including evaluations, salary increases, and opportunities to advance. 
2. Have more fierce conversations at the leadership level. Leaders need to participate actively Inside the boardroom, sharing their thoughts without fear of retaliation and judgment. Read Susan Scott’s outstanding book, Fierce Conversations, to learn more.
3. When the leadership team reaches a decision, present a united front. Every participant needs to send the same message with the same information. 
4. When a member of your leadership team consistently demonstrates that he is not aligned with the values or cannot demonstrate them effectively, act decisively. Do not waste time. Get him out of the leadership position, or out of your organization entirely. Whatever value he adds technically cannot begin to equal the damage he does to your organization’s culture.
5. Finally, hire and interview more intuitively. When you are filling a leadership position, listen to your instincts closely. Your gut knows whether a candidate either  already possesses the communication and behavioral skills you want, or is capable of learning them. Listen to your gut. Most people who reach the interview level will have the requisite education and experience. Spend more time and effort with candidates determining how they solve problems, how they work in teams, and how well they tell their stories. These things will help you know who they really are. And as Maya Angelou so wisely said, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”

Business is becoming more complex. It’s also more stressful than ever. You feel the pressure, and so do your employees. Consistent communication and behavior at the leadership level will lighten everyone’s burden.

Collective Wisdom for the Season

In his excellent series on the collective wisdom of senior citizens, New York Times columnist David Brooks has, perhaps unwittingly, offered some useful ideas for surviving and thriving during the holidays. The ideas come from a series he is writing called Life Reports, in which he asks people over 70 years old to send him their recollections. Brooks writes that the happiest and best-adjusted participants in his Life Reports project had some things in common. For one, they all had a fairly specific set of responses to bad occurrences in their lives: forget it, forgive it, or be grateful for it.

This is excellent advice for coping with our current time of year. Along the range of truly bad events, the holidays are small potatoes for most of us. Many people are joyful creatures throughout the season, happily humming carols, baking cookies, and tossing tinsel. Then there’s the rest of us for whom the season is the perfect opportunity to be irritated, grouchy, and Grinchy. Whether it’s crowded shopping malls, uncivilized drivers, or Crazy Aunt Hattie spouting her political views at dinner, Brooks’ collective wisdom of the seniors is valuable for crafting a suitable response. 

In forgiving, forgetting, or being grateful, the words we use to talk to ourselves are crucial. For instance:

• When somebody whips into a much-coveted parking space ahead of you, rather than making the internationally recognized gesture, say this to yourself: “Let that guy have the spot. I didn’t need it, anyway. I’ll park farther down and get some exercise.”

• For the person who jostles you at the crowded shopping mall and then stares at you accusingly, just smile and say “Excuse me.” Was it you who bumped him? No. Does it matter? Not a bit. Be the first one to be civilized in an uncivilized world, and your day will go better.

• And when Crazy Aunt Hattie spouts her latest political viewpoint, just be grateful she isn’t your spouse or your mother.  Two more things to be thankful for: she’ll be leaving right after dinner, and she doesn’t actually hold a political office. Then tell yourself how beautifully quiet your home will be...eventually. 

The words we say to ourselves drive our responses to situations big and small. The holidays are a great time to practice telling ourselves useful things, and they’re an ideal time to forgive, forget, and be grateful.

Happy holidays to every one of us.

Getting Unstuck

Lately I’ve had many conversations with clients and friends on a variety of subjects. Although the conversations differ in detail, nearly all of them carry a thread of similarity: people are stuck. Maybe it’s a job or a relationship or a pattern of behavior, but they’re all stuck. They’re frustrated, tired, and wondering how to get out of the quagmire. 

When you’re stuck in something, five steps can get you moving forward.

1. Have a serious talk with yourself. Recognize the reality of your situation. You’re in a crummy job. You’re 30 pounds too heavy. Your debt load is scary. Don’t try to paint a pretty face on whatever’s got you stuck. Look at it square in the face without denial, without self-pity, with as little emotion as you can. 
2. Get out of the “if only” mentality. “If only my boss would give me a raise.” “If only I could drop this weight.” “If only my credit card bills were lower.” This kind of self-talk takes the focus off of the only person who can begin to change your situation: you. 
3. Light a fire under yourself. Stop waiting for Life or God or the Universe to change things for you. Start doing. Decide what you can do to change your situation today. What one small action can you take that will begin to improve things? It doesn’t have to be huge. You can dig out your resume, maybe edit it a bit. You can put down that donut and go for a walk. Or leave the department store before you put something else on your credit card. Tomorrow, you can do one more thing. And the next day, another. Pretty soon you’ve added a whole roster of useful behaviors to your daily life.
4. Do something good for someone else. Whether it’s a donation to your favorite charity, serving food at the homeless shelter, or other random acts of kindness, do something that reminds you how lucky you are to have the problems you have.
5. Find something to be happy about every day. Whether it’s a baby’s laughter, a dog’s wet snout, or the incredible blue of the sky, notice it. Drink it in. Take that moment and savor it. Once you notice one thing during the day, you’ll probably find others. These small things are what make life happy.

No doubt about it: we’re living in difficult times. I don’t know a single person who truly has it all figured out. Life is hard, and it’s easy to get stuck. But the most stable, happy, and resilient people I know are those who are doing these five things regularly.  Give them a try. You have nothing to lose, except perhaps a quagmire or two.

Wishing my American readers a very happy Thanksgiving.

The Apple of Your Client’s Eye

Recently I purchased my first Apple computer. It’s rapidly becoming my best inanimate companion. I expected that, because Apple is renowned for making top-quality products and they have a loyal and vocal consumer base, some of whom are my friends. 

What I didn’t expect was this: when I wrote about my purchase on Facebook, people were so excited that they commented on my post at some length, and more than one friend called to congratulate me. 

That got me thinking. How many people post on Facebook that they have just signed on with the Best Firm Ever? How often do people call to congratulate one another on their choice of lawyer, CPA, or consultant? Rarely. Probably never.

The important question, then, is what are we doing to become the Apple among our competitors? A few thoughts:

Price to value, not to cost. Apple buyers are confident that they are buying the market leader in quality, design, and innovation. They know before they walk into the store or click “buy” on the website that they’re paying top dollar. Apple does nothing in their advertising and marketing to disabuse consumers of that notion. Professional knowledge workers, on the other hand, generally can’t tell buyers the price of their services until after the fact. They often discount their prices before the buyer ever begins to negotiate. Why? (For more in pricing to value, visit the visionaries at VeraSage Institute, www.verasage.com).

Do what you promise. Along with innovation, design, and quality of product, Apple promises great service after the sale. They deliver. Team members are knowledgeable, helpful, and polite. My services were completed exactly when I was told they would be. Apple was always there when I needed help. In contrast, clients of professional knowledge workers complain regularly that their service providers charge high rates for inexperienced people and fail to do something as simple as return phone calls promptly. 

Make it easy to buy your services. Walk into an Apple store and you will see product samples beautifully displayed, ready to be test-driven. Sales people know every product inside and out. In the rare instance that they don’t, they have immediate access to a more experienced sales team member. Many clients (and perhaps employees)  of professional knowledge firms don’t even know what services their firms provide. Listing your services on your website is not enough. Be sure all of your team members are educated about every service so they can discuss them with clients. In-depth knowledge is not crucial, but certainly the ability to introduce a client to another professional in the firm is vital to growth.

Operate as a team. If there was competitiveness among Apple employees, I did not notice it, and I worked with several in the process of making my purchase. All team members had ready access to my information, which was entered into their database as I stood there. Every team member knew the history of my purchase and the service received to date. Equally important, they were openly helpful, friendly, and courteous -- not just to me, but to each other. They genuinely seemed happy to be working with each other and with Apple. 

Set up your customers for their next purchase from you. The only way to do this is by following the advice above. Nobody at Apple suggested that I buy an iPad, but there is no question that there’s one in my future. Why? Because Apple is Apple, and they do all the things noted here as a matter of course. So it’s perfectly logical that it’s a matter of when, not if, I buy a second product. 

Invest in thinking about the future, not just reacting to the present. Apple is the market leader in innovation and creativity because they spend time, money, and intellectual effort on it. Step away from your billable hour mindset and study your firm. Are your work processes working? Is your firm creating value for clients? Are you building long-term relationships, internally and externally? Are you preparing for  tomorrow’s challenges and opportunities? You can bet Apple is.