Choosing Your Response to Negativity

Last week presented me with a terrific learning experience. I spent the day teaching a workshop to a department of a large organization. Like the organization itself, this department has faced several years of budget cuts, all the while serving an increasingly large population. This, of course, translates into doing more with fewer resources. As a result, the team was greatly fatigued, and their coping strategies had negatively affected their internal communication. 

The workshop went well, with plenty of lively discussion, creativity, some disagreement here and there, and lots of good energy. By the end of our time together, the team had developed a framework that defined how they will treat each other going forward. They were upbeat and energized, ready to implement the new standards they had set for themselves.

Except one person, who we’ll call Mildred. Mildred made a special effort to pull me aside at the end of the session. In my ear, Mildred whispered, “Nothing you have done today will make a difference. Nothing will change here.” As I recount this, I can actually recall the hiss in her voice. She seemed absolutely delighted to relay her assessment of the day to me.

My initial response was disappointment in myself that I had failed to reach Mildred’s mind or heart. As I saw it, my skills were not a match for her attitude. But after a few days of thinking about it, I understand her a little better and have a more productive response than disappointment. I hope my insights will help you the next time you encounter someone else’s fear or negativity.

1. It’s probably not about you or your skill. Mildred was afraid, and through her negative message to me, she was expressing her fear. Maybe she’s afraid of change, maybe she’s afraid of kindness (a big topic at our session), maybe she’s afraid of losing influence within her team. I don’t know for sure. But I do know that in talking to me, she was expressing her fear far more than she was assessing the workshop or my ability.
2. Let the majority rule your mind. When you receive a negative response to an idea, remember to consider what others have said about that idea. At the end of my session, the vast majority of attendees were energized, optimistic, and ready to face the future as a team. They expressed gratitude to me, both individually and as a group. It was only Mildred who sought me out specifically to share her negative view. When this happens to you, it’s crucial to keep in mind the positive responses of others.
3. Be flexible about the future; let others remain fixed if they so choose. Mildred had already decided what the future would be, and so it’s likely she will create that scenario for herself. My hope is that the new-found energy and optimism of her colleagues will override her negativity, but I simply don’t know. I choose to view the future positively; it’s fine if all you can conjure up is neutrality. However, I have no doubt at all that holding a negative perspective on the future makes it far more likely that negative outcomes will occur.

I feel truly lucky to have met Mildred, because she gave me the opportunity to test my own outlook and to share my insights with you. I suppose the biggest insight, then is that even in experiencing someone’s negativity up-close-and-personal, there’s plenty of room for gratitude and optimism.

Lessons from Goldman Sachs: The Corporate Culture Disconnect

Goldman Sachs got a black eye this week when Greg Smith, a mid-level executive at the brokerage firm not only resigned, but published an op-ed piece in the New York Times outlining his reasons for leaving. Mr. Smith cited Goldman Sachs’s culture of greed and utter disregard for the best interests of its clients. 

Not surprisingly, this very public display of dissatisfaction has generated plenty of discussion about corporate culture on Wall Street. I hope it also has the effect of generating discussion within your firms about your corporate culture. After all, it’s better -- and less costly -- to learn from someone else’s mistakes.

Here are a few ways to avoid the cultural disconnect that appears to exist at Goldman:

1. Don’t believe your own hype. Every organization I’m aware of boasts about its corporate culture on its website, at seminars, in recruiting collaterals, everywhere. All too often, the words are taken as gospel, with no regard for how individual behaviors actually create or destroy a culture. Look at your firm culture with a critical eye. If you and yours can’t do it objectively, hire an outsider to do it for you. Whatever you do, don’t assume that because it is written, it is true.
2. Check in regularly with those who create and sustain your culture: your team members. Use every method at your disposal, from dashboard “high satisfaction day” inputs to surveys to a casual conversation over a cup of coffee. Do this more than you think you have time for and would enjoy. You may discover valuable information that’ll make it worth your effort.
3. Treat your clients and team members with respect. No exceptions. When you are cordial to a client on the telephone, only to hang up and have a hissy fit about that stupid, entitled #!?*-ing client, you’re sending a very confusing message to those who work with you. You’re also taking the risk that the client will hear about it on Twitter, Facebook, or some other way -- within minutes.

Most important, do the right things for the right reasons. Speak well of everyone when you can. When you can’t, take the opportunity to be silent. When you must communicate something negative, do so with skill and kindness. That’s how really great cultures are built.

Falling Down the Should-Hole: Part 2

In the last post I mentioned Albert Ellis, the psychotherapist who was known for his disdain for “shoulding.” I talked about shoulding on others in that post. Now, we need to talk about shoulding on yourself, as in:

• “I should be making more money.”
• “I shouldn’t have said that to my boss.”
• “I should have handled my employee better than I did.”

Shoulding on yourself is as unproductive as shoulding on others. It’s a waste of time and energy, because you give yourself no alternative to the should. There’s nothing proactive or well thought-out about “should.” It just sits there in your mind, judgmental and incomplete. Useless.

But if you simply must should on yourself, and we all do from time to time, I recommend simply extending the conversation beyond your initial statement. For example, instead of just saying, “I should be making more money,” take the conversation in your head farther. “Really? What makes me think I should be making more money, especially in this economy? Has anyone else been making a ton of money lately? How is my situation different from all these other people?”  

Answering these questions allows you to gather important data, which allows you to make informed decisions and act on them. If you’re anything like I am, the question-and-answer process will relieve you of a bunch of negative self-talk about whatever challenge you’re facing. When you stop should-ing on yourself, you get more clarity. And that’s how you find a path leading out of the should-hole and toward positive change.

Falling Down the Should Hole - Part 1

Psychotherapist and psychologist Albert Ellis developed Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy in the 1950s. According to Wikipedia, the method “focuses on resolving emotion and behavioral problems and disturbances and enabling people to lead happier and more fulfilling lives.” Always blunt, Dr. Ellis was known to declare that “should-hood leads to sh**-hood.” If you’ve been in business for more than a week, you have probably fallen victim to shoulding, whether on yourself or someone else. In this post, we’ll talk about shoulding on others.

1. “He should have gotten that spreadsheet to me last week. This project is going to fail if he doesn’t get it done.”
2. “She should have returned my call by now. What the heck is wrong with her?”
3. “They should have paid me by  now. That invoice went out two months ago. No! Not another deadbeat client!”

When you say things like this, you do three useless things: 1) you sit in judgment of another’s activities without knowing their side of the issue 2) you give up control over the situation, and 3) you carry some level of grudge.

Instead of deciding what someone should or shouldn’t have said or done, it’s much more useful to ask questions, respond, and act.

In Should #1 above: Contact the should-ee and find out what’s happening. Tell him the dire consequences of not meeting the deadline. Ask if he will get it to you by a specific time and date. If you don’t trust him, either give the job to someone else or have a backup plan in case he doesn’t get it done.

In Should #2: If someone hasn’t returned your call, pick up the phone and call again. Tell them this is your second message. Send an email with the same information. If your issue is important enough, or if they’re in your building, go see them. Stop waiting. Start doing.

In Should #3: Get on the phone. Remind them about the bill. Find out the status. Offer to come and pick up the check. There are plenty of other options for this one, but the key is to initiate the process.

The common thread in all this should-ing is acquiescence, and it’s a poor way to communicate. Falling down the should-hole is both unpleasant and unnecessary. It is far better to take control of your business, your relationships, and your communication by leaving should behind.

How Not to Hate New Stuff

I’m certain there are people who get absolutely giddy when presented with a new technological challenge. I’m not one of them. 

Last week I took on a slew of technology challenges, including a new and NOT intuitive database (are they ever intuitive?), a new iPod, a new phone, and new productivity software. There were other hurdles, too, but to list any more would just be whining.

As a result of my hellish week, I had an insight that might be useful to you. Here it is: new stuff brings with it six stages of emotion. We tell ourselves specific stories at each stage. Here are mine.

Stage 1: Fear. “I just don’t feel like dealing with this today. I’ll do it tomorrow.” Of course, I reached the point where I had to deal with it, afraid or not.

Stage 2: Frustration. “I hate this thing. I’m never going to learn it. What was I thinking?” Pouting and swearing ensue.

Stage 3: Resignation. “OK, you’ve got to get hold of this. You have to learn this stuff, so you might as well stop delaying, complaining, and stomping around. Trudge on.” At this point, most of the negative emotion gave up and moved out. It’s here that I was able to start learning, because I had gotten out of my own way.

Stage 4: Mild interest. “Oh, hey, look! I did it! I figured out how to do that thing I couldn’t figure out yesterday. Cool!” Now, I was getting somewhere, picking up speed, learning more, learning faster. A few small successes gave me the mental energy to keep going, to try to learn one more new thing. 

Stage 5: Curiosity. “Hmmm. I wonder if I can do this.” That’s where I am this week, feeling just confident enough to poke around and see what I can do with these new technological wonders. 

Stage 6: Confidence. I have no idea what thoughts fill this stage, because I'm not there yet. But I can feel myself reaching it, little by little. 

The trick, I think, is to recognize the stage you’re in as you’re moving through it. If you know you’re in a certain stage, you know there’s another stage coming right after it. Just keep pressing forward, secure in the knowledge that learning is a process, that the unknown becomes the known, that new eventually becomes old. Ultimately, you will experience that sense of satisfaction that comes from meeting --- and maybe even mastering -- a new challenge.

Like my business card says, You can do this.

Balance vs. Alignment in Leadership Teams

Balance is good in ballet and ice skating. But in leadership teams, I think alignment is the more useful goal.

It is understandable to think in terms of balancing leadership teams so one person’s strengths mitigate another’s weaknesses -- perhaps even your own. The result is often a mixed brew of personalities with varying levels of communication skills and behavioral styles. This can be confusing for team members. A useful alternative is alignment, where leaders share values, demonstrate similar behaviors and communicate the same messages.

Some leadership teams are pretty good at creating aspirational statements about how they want their organizations to operate. Living out those statements is where the need for an alignment of communication skills and behavioral styles rests. 

For example, let’s say that respect and dignity for everyone at your firm is a core value. If you have leaders who do not understand specifically how respect and dignity are communicated, and what that behavior looks like, it is all too easy for them to misinterpret. Things get even stickier if members of your leadership team simply disagree with the group’s decision to make respect and dignity party of the firm’s culture and simply choose to ignore it. The result: the entire leadership team, and perhaps the organization itself, loses credibility.

Here are a few ways to align leaders:

1. Decide specifically what communication skills and behavioral styles your leaders need to exhibit. Get them help if they need it. Make their communication and behavior a very important part of their continuing success, including evaluations, salary increases, and opportunities to advance. 
2. Have more fierce conversations at the leadership level. Leaders need to participate actively Inside the boardroom, sharing their thoughts without fear of retaliation and judgment. Read Susan Scott’s outstanding book, Fierce Conversations, to learn more.
3. When the leadership team reaches a decision, present a united front. Every participant needs to send the same message with the same information. 
4. When a member of your leadership team consistently demonstrates that he is not aligned with the values or cannot demonstrate them effectively, act decisively. Do not waste time. Get him out of the leadership position, or out of your organization entirely. Whatever value he adds technically cannot begin to equal the damage he does to your organization’s culture.
5. Finally, hire and interview more intuitively. When you are filling a leadership position, listen to your instincts closely. Your gut knows whether a candidate either  already possesses the communication and behavioral skills you want, or is capable of learning them. Listen to your gut. Most people who reach the interview level will have the requisite education and experience. Spend more time and effort with candidates determining how they solve problems, how they work in teams, and how well they tell their stories. These things will help you know who they really are. And as Maya Angelou so wisely said, “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.”

Business is becoming more complex. It’s also more stressful than ever. You feel the pressure, and so do your employees. Consistent communication and behavior at the leadership level will lighten everyone’s burden.

Collective Wisdom for the Season

In his excellent series on the collective wisdom of senior citizens, New York Times columnist David Brooks has, perhaps unwittingly, offered some useful ideas for surviving and thriving during the holidays. The ideas come from a series he is writing called Life Reports, in which he asks people over 70 years old to send him their recollections. Brooks writes that the happiest and best-adjusted participants in his Life Reports project had some things in common. For one, they all had a fairly specific set of responses to bad occurrences in their lives: forget it, forgive it, or be grateful for it.

This is excellent advice for coping with our current time of year. Along the range of truly bad events, the holidays are small potatoes for most of us. Many people are joyful creatures throughout the season, happily humming carols, baking cookies, and tossing tinsel. Then there’s the rest of us for whom the season is the perfect opportunity to be irritated, grouchy, and Grinchy. Whether it’s crowded shopping malls, uncivilized drivers, or Crazy Aunt Hattie spouting her political views at dinner, Brooks’ collective wisdom of the seniors is valuable for crafting a suitable response. 

In forgiving, forgetting, or being grateful, the words we use to talk to ourselves are crucial. For instance:

• When somebody whips into a much-coveted parking space ahead of you, rather than making the internationally recognized gesture, say this to yourself: “Let that guy have the spot. I didn’t need it, anyway. I’ll park farther down and get some exercise.”

• For the person who jostles you at the crowded shopping mall and then stares at you accusingly, just smile and say “Excuse me.” Was it you who bumped him? No. Does it matter? Not a bit. Be the first one to be civilized in an uncivilized world, and your day will go better.

• And when Crazy Aunt Hattie spouts her latest political viewpoint, just be grateful she isn’t your spouse or your mother.  Two more things to be thankful for: she’ll be leaving right after dinner, and she doesn’t actually hold a political office. Then tell yourself how beautifully quiet your home will be...eventually. 

The words we say to ourselves drive our responses to situations big and small. The holidays are a great time to practice telling ourselves useful things, and they’re an ideal time to forgive, forget, and be grateful.

Happy holidays to every one of us.