Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Recently I spoke at an international conference of CPAs and lawyers. The subject of one of the sessions was leadership. During the session, I discussed Emotional Pigpens -- people who either do not know or do not care how their behavior affects others. They create plenty of negative energy and can drain organizational vitality.

I’m accustomed to answering questions about how to deal with Emotional Pigpens, such as “I have the worst partner ever. He’s constantly demeaning, he’s an emotional vampire. How do I deal with him?” At this conference, however, I experienced something new. After my session, one of the participants came up to me and said “I’m one of those people you talked about. How do I fix the mess I’ve made?”

First of all, bless this man for waking up. I don’t know whether he realized it only when I described Emotional Pigpens, or whether he’d always known it. It doesn’t matter. The important thing is, he became aware of his behavior and its effect on those around him. He wanted to stop being an emotional pigpen and he wanted help.

So, how was he to make amends, he asked. I suggested he do it both individually and collectively, acknowledging that his behavior had been less than optimal, apologizing for that behavior, and promising to do better. I’ve had a few days since then to think more about it; perhaps the following might help him and those of you who find yourself in his position.

1. Know who needs an apology from you. If it’s not apparent to you, ask your closest confidant. He or she will know.
2. Look right into their eyes when you say you’re sorry. You don’t have to be eloquent, and you need not explain the issues that caused your misbehavior if it invades your privacy. Just say, “I’ve been awful lately, and I’m sorry. I will do better, and if I don’t do better, I want to hear from you.” Mean what you say and your listeners will feel it.
3.   Most people with whom you try to make amends are likely to accept your apology. Take comfort in that. Those who do not, or who remain skeptical, have their own timetables for such things. Let them work it out. You have done your part.
4.  Once you have apologized, and you begin to change your behavior, let yourself off the hook. Learn from your mistake and leave it behind. Don’t relive it. Move on so those around you can do the same.
5.  Be thankful that you have the courage to realize your mistake, the fortitude to make amends, and the good fortune to be forgiven.

I am grateful to the self-admitted Emotional Pigpen who came forward. Learning to say we’re sorry is not easy, but making mistakes that affect others is part of being human. Apologizing for those mistakes makes us better humans.