Audit Yourself

As a regular reader of this post, chances are you have experienced a few things that are truly a big deal: illness, divorce, death, job loss and the like. Nowhere in that list will we ever see these: a co-worker wrote me a mean-spirited email, my boss displayed his typical sense of superiority today, or I had to clean the office coffee pot again. 

So why do we allow such pettiness to charge us up? And what can we do to respond more productively?

Maybe we permit the pettiness because it feels so very real in the moment, where the bigger life issues seem more distant. Maybe we feel we must react to the smaller issues because we (usually mistakenly) think we have the skills to do so. Or maybe we watch too much reality television, where all issues rise to the nuclear level.

In her book, When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron examines emotional reactions and offers great advice about what we can do. She asks us to consider a reasonable approach: what if we simply decided that whatever we are going through just wasn’t a big deal? What if we neither suppressed our emotions nor reacted to them, but studied them instead? We could then look at the emotions more objectively, take some time away from the current petty drama, and perhaps return with a more productive response...or perhaps no response at all. I don’t know about you, but I relax just thinking about the possibilities.

Daily working life is filled with opportunities for conflict, embarrassment, hurt feelings, and negativity. Each of these kills creativity, innovation, and productivity, so it’s smart to find an effective way to deal with emotions that arise at the office. 

The way that makes most sense to me is to stop reacting to our emotions so quickly. Slow the whole process down by mentally stepping outside ourselves to examine the emotion we’re feeling, spend a little time with that emotion internally, and describe it to ourselves simply as interesting. And then let it go. Don’t feed the emotion; study it and release it.

If we all started refusing to get charged up over life’s daily insults, it’s quite possible that conflicts would decrease and cultures would strengthen. Strong cultures mean less turnover, more teamwork, and greater collective and individual performance. And that is a very big deal, indeed.

Effective Leaders Create Effective Followers

We’re consistently hearing and reading about what makes an effective leader. We don’t hear as much about what makes effective followers. It makes sense to figure this part out, because there will always be more followers than leaders.

First, let’s determine what effective followers aren’t. They aren’t good soldiers who march to a steady drumbeat. They aren’t indentured servants waiting in line to become partner (at least, they aren’t anymore). And they aren’t passive order-takers. 

Here’s what effective followers are. They are technically strong critical thinkers. They are confident enough as individuals to question what they don’t understand. They make a conscious choice to follow their leaders based on careful analysis, solid decision-making, and commitment to something greater than themselves.

Leaders, please read the previous paragraph again. Ask yourself how many of your team can be described this way. If your calculation leaves you less than inspired, the first person you need to hold responsible is yourself. If you want effective followers, you need to help create them. Here are three ideas:

1. Clarify in your own mind your take on the present and your vision of the future. Share both of these pictures with everyone in your firm. Do this regularly and often. Use every outlet at your disposal to distribute this message. Your followers want to know what and how you think.
2. Be completely clear about your expectations of individuals and departments in the firm. Share those expectations face-to-face with people. Let them know what you want from them. Be as specific as you can without diving into micromanagement. Give them direction. Don’t make them wonder. Tell ‘em and tell ‘em again, not just during their evaluations.
3. Be the loudest cheerleader. Celebrate every achievement, whether firm-wide or individual. Don’t delegate enthusiasm.  

Leadership is critical to success. So is having great followers. Remember to develop both. 

Creating Happiness When the Job Doesn’t Do It

In a recent conversation with a young professional, he lamented that he did not really care about his job. He said he feels like every day is drudgery and that what he does makes little or no difference in the greater scheme of things. 

Our conversation got me thinking about what it takes to maintain job happiness when either the work or the organization isn’t fulfilling. Two basic principles immediately came to mind:

First, accept that happiness in any part of your life starts between your ears. The way you choose to think will always affect how you feel. 

Second, realize that no job will always make you happy. It's like any long- term relationship, filled with highs, lows, and plenty of in-betweens. I think that's why it's called work, not vacation. 

If you can agree with these principles, here are three tactics you might consider to increase day to day happiness when your job is less than ideal:

Create professional relationships, both inside and outside your firm. It can be difficult to feel passionate about an organization as a whole. Expecting to do so may be too tall an order. But feeling strongly about individuals is much easier. So seek out those within the organization who make you feel some sort of positive emotion. Talk with them, listen to them, share ideas and interests. They can sustain you through your dissatisfaction, and they might just change your perspective.

Compete. Compete with yourself, with other team members, or with outside industry members. Find something you’re good at and decide you want to be the best. Focus on doing what you need to do to be the best at that one thing. Develop a plan around becoming the best. Then implement it. This will give your mind something to do besides ruminate on your lack of satisfaction. If you get to be the best at something, you will be recognized for it within and perhaps outside your organization. You will feel great about achieving a competitive goal and meeting it. 

Find one thing at work that intrigues you, either emotionally or intellectually. Maybe it’s a particular service or product; maybe it’s a specific market. Learn everything you can about that single thing and focus on it. It may have nothing to do with the job you do. That doesn’t matter. Just learn everything you can and see if there’s some way you can eventually become associated with it. Even if you can’t, your mind will be engaged in learning something new, and you will be thinking about something more positive than your dissatisfaction.

What it comes down to is this: if you can’t care about your job or your organization as a whole, try to find some part of it that you can care about. By doing that, you give your mind something productive to focus on in the present moment. And who knows? Maybe by focusing on your present, you will begin to shape your future.

Keyboard Bullies

Recently a client had a bit of a bumpy leadership ride. He made a decision too quickly and suffered fairly heavy criticism as a result. I have been thinking about something he said: “It’s not that I mind taking the heat; that’s my job. And I’ve lived long enough to know when I made a mistake, how to apologize for it, and how to fix it. I can do all that and move on. But what bothers me, what I can’t get past just yet, is the venomous nature of the attacks coming my way.”

It does seem as though we’re living in a particularly poisonous time, communication-wise. Whether through emails, blog comments, or Facebook posts, we feel free to spew and sputter our most negative perspectives. We lob written fireballs at employers, colleagues, and team members with astonishing ferocity. 

I suppose we can blame all kinds of sources as bad role models: talk radio, reality TV, political haters all come to mind. But it really would be cowardly to hold someone else responsible for communication we initiate. Who’s responsible for our communication, if not us? Nobody forces us to post the threatening or demeaning blog comment. No ghostly hand coerces our finger to hit “send” on an earth-scorching email. We do it all by ourselves.

Life is so much better when we avoid creating or responding to negativity. This isn’t about pretending everything is perfectly delightful all the time.  And it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t discuss what’s wrong. We absolutely must. But we can improve only when we have those discussions respectfully and in person, not from our keyboards. 

Listen Up

All of us know how important it is to listen to others. Everyone is aware that listening to others is a crucial part of developing relationships and a driver of success. Yet most of us are dismal at it. We pay half-hearted attention on our best days and none at all on the rest. 

The reasons for our half-heartedness are clear: we are doing more with less, we’re distracted by technology, and we have convinced ourselves that we can multi-task. We have devalued the skill of listening. I say we bring it back, and soon. Here’s why whole-hearted, full-on listening matters:

Listening is a demonstration that you value someone. It’s a gift to that person. By stopping what you are doing and listening intently and intentionally to someone, you acknowledge their presence and their value. You reinforce the bonds of your relationship. 

Listening is intimate. Looking at someone’s face as they are speaking to you, studying their expressions and body language, and hearing the tone and melody of their voice, all paint a fairly complete picture of a person. You can learn so much in that one moment. 

Listening improves your self-discipline. It is so much easier to speak, to opine, to pontificate than it is to hold your thoughts inside your head. Listening requires that you use your ears and mouth proportionally and, again, intentionally. It increases your inner strength. It may even allow your mind to open, because your mouth is closed.

Listening makes you look smart. Mark Twain said, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt.” So true.

Listening enriches the spirit of the speaker and the listener. The speaker feels your recognition, your attention, and your full presence. When you are aware of the gift you give by listening, you feel better about you. You know you’ve done something good. You have existed fully in a relationship with another human being, often in just a few minutes.

A few minutes of whole-hearted listening seems like a pretty simple route to stronger human relationships. 

The Upside of Self-Centeredness

After watching a particularly dark and violent movie a few months ago, I had a revelation: “This doesn’t make me better.” It doesn’t make me a better advisor, a better wife, a better friend. That little revelation changed how I make decisions. It shifted my perspective. The question I ask myself now is “How does ____________ make me better?”

This question focuses your thoughts on you. It makes you look at yourself and answer a difficult question. For example, “How does it make me better to...:

... avoid having a difficult conversation with my team member?

... continue to accept unclear direction from my supervisor?

... participate on a work team that has no clear understanding of its purpose?

… choose not to recognize the achievements — or suffering of a colleague?

... accept clients who do not add value to my work?

… gossip about my co-worker?

...  show up late to meetings because I allow myself to be over-scheduled?

... wait for someone else to take the initiative?

Clients often ask me how they can change their culture when the leadership either supports bad habits or doesn’t support good ones. Doing this exercise in self-centeredness is a start. Cultures are changed one person and one behavior at a time. When you choose to make yourself better, you make your culture better.

Why ASAP Must Die

ASAP. This hideous little acronym, short for “as soon as possible,” has done more than its fair share to cloud communication.

It’s a topic in all of my communication presentations. People in my audiences nod in agreement when I address how ASAP has lost all meaning, if it ever had any. They look down sheepishly when I ask who has used it. They giggle uncomfortably when I ask who has allowed ASAP to be used on them. And then we talk a little more about it, and they begin to understand why it’s such an obstacle to clear communication:

1. It lacks specificity. If you need something from someone else, the reasonable approach is to tell them precisely when you need it. “Sally, can you get this to me by Tuesday at 3:30?” Then let Sally answer the question.
2. It excludes all others from the conversation. As soon as possible for whom? For you? For the recipient of your request? What about all those other people who have asked for something ASAP? There are limitless possibilities for confusion without specifics.
3. It’s a power play, usually used by a senior on a junior team member. It falsely demonstrates that one person’s time is more valuable than another’s. In these days of flatter organizations and speedier communications, that’s just not accurate. Everybody’s role is critical in making an organization run smoothly.
4. It builds resentment in your recipients, who may not feel free to ask you to clarify precisely when you want something – although they would be wise to do so. Resentment leads to a sense of victimization, which leads to complaining, which leads to disgruntled employees, which leads to turnover and lost productivity.
5. It removes power from your real emergencies. If you use ASAP constantly, when you truly do need something immediately, the person you are asking to respond ASAP likely won’t believe you.

Here’s the most interesting part: even after plenty of conversation about banning ASAP, I return to clients’ offices later, only to hear it used repeatedly and without question. It’s automatic. 

They say it takes 21 days to break an old habit and replace it with a new one. Today would be a great day to start adding dates and times to every request you make.